Original Thread: Da-X-Factor
	tangra_local Seducation A boy walks up to his dad and ask him "Dad what is that thing between a girls legs that has hair on it?" His dad said, "Well son that is called a va...." His son thought about that for a minute and then ask, "OK then, what is that little thing that looks like a really small pen.. in a woman's vag...?" "Well they call that a clito... son," said the father. "OK dad, just one more question... What is that really smooth peice of skin that is below a woman's vagi..?" The boys dad thinks about this for a minute and says, "Well son, I don't know the medical term for it but I just call it a chin rest." Signature of Perfection is the Beginning of Enlightment .... tangra_local Da Whole Hole A guy dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter issues him a white robe, a harp, and his very own cloud to float around on. The guy thinks this is great. One day he sees another cloud float by. The guy on that cloud has a gorgeous, naked woman and a keg of beer with him. The first guy finds St. Peter and complains to him. "How come this guy gets a gorgeous babe and keg of beer, when all I got is this white robe and a lousy harp? St. Peter says, "I know just who you're talking about. He's being punished." The guy can't believe what he's hearing. "How can that be?", he asks. "Well," says St. Peter, "The keg has a hole in it, and the girl doesn't." Signature of Perfection is the Beginning of Enlightment .... tangra_local F-F-Farting There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly. The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says" Excuse me, you just farted before my wife." The drunk rreplies, "I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn." Signature of Perfection is the Beginning of Enlightment .... tangra_local Pit 4 Pat There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the Heaven and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most." He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left." "Would you care to do it again?" He asks her. "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. "This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you poop on its head." Signature of Perfection is the Beginning of Enlightment .... tangra_local After Laughter Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road. "I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull the old 'out of gas' routine." "No," said Fred, "I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine...." "The 'here after' routine--what's that?" she asked. "If you're not here after what I'm here after, then you're going to be here after I'm gone." Signature of Perfection is the Beginning of Enlightment .... tangra_local Play Safe A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, and with them are their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives,they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the side walk and says to him: "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy! The blind man replies: "If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up!" Signature of Perfection is the Beginning of Enlightment .... tangra_local Slim sh!t Out on the town one night, a young lad successfully chats up an attractive female, and they go back to her place. "You can't make any noise," she warns him. "My parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us!" Things start getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol gets the better of the man's bladder. "I have to go," he says. "Well, you can't go upstairs, it's right next to my parents' bedroom," she replies. "Use the kitchen sink." So he dutifully retires to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he pops his head round the door and asks, "Do you have any toilet paper?" Signature of Perfection is the Beginning of Enlightment .... tangra_local Anti Terrorists Campaign We all know it is a sin for a Taliban male to see any woman other than his wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does. So this Sunday at 4:00 PM Eastern time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Taliban, and to demonstrate that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all American women. And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment. The American Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity. God bless America! Signature of Perfection is the Beginning of Enlightment .... tangra_local Vir(Gin) There was a man who wanted a pure wife. So he started to attend church to find a woman. He met a gal who seemed nice so he took her home. When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks "What's this?" She replies "A cock." He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough. A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question. She replies "A cock." He is pissed because she seemed more pure than the first but oh well. A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house. He whips it out and asks, "What is this?" She giggles and says "A pee-pee." He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman. They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says "That's your pee-pee." He finally breaks down and says, "Look this is not a pee-pee, it is a cock." She laughs and says "No it's not! A cock is ten inches long, four inches thick and black Signature of Perfection is the Beginning of Enlightment .... tangra_local bill or BILL Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy. The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?" Donald frowned and said "No." Daisy told Donald that they could not have sex if he didn't have a condom. "Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested. So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms. "Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald. The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your (bill)?" "Hell No!" Donald yelled. "What kind of a pervert do you think I am?" Signature of Perfection is the Beginning of Enlightment .... tangra_local Sisters Act There were two old maid sisters... both still virgins. It's Friday night and Gilda looks at Gertie and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin, I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid! !" Gilda says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you." 10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gertie, 11 o'clock...12 o'clock.... Finally about 30 minutes after 1 the front door bursts open. In runs Gertie...straight for the bathroom. Gilda runs up after Gertie and knocks on the door, "Are you all right, Gertie?" No answer, so Gilda opens the door and there sits Gertie with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself. "What's is it, Gertie?? What's wrong?" ask Gilda. "Gilda, it was 10 ilnches long when it went in... and 5 inches when it came out. When I find the other half you're going to have the time of your life! ! ! " Signature of Perfection is the Beginning of Enlightment .... tangra_local Rolling Stone A woman's husband dies. He had $20,000 to his name. After everything is gone at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left. The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?" The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation for the church and the organist and all. That was $500 and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone." The friend says, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?" The widow says, "Three carats." Signature of Perfection is the Beginning of Enlightment .... tangra_local Lost Count There were three guys hitchhiking along the roads of a plain, boring field because their car overheated from the long drive. Exhausted, hungry, and thirsty from the long walk, they were desperately willing to stay over anywhere. Fortunately, they saw about a mile ahead of them a dairy farm, filled with hundreds of cows. They decided to stay there for the night. They looked for the main office to ask the farm owner if they could stay for the night. However, the owner left for the day and no one was there. Too tired from their journey, they decided rather to sleep with the cows than walk forever. They each slept under a cow. One guy said, "I'm hungry and thirsty, what will we eat and drink?" Another guy suggested to drink the milk from the cow since they were lying beneath the milk sac. So they began to suck and drink. The first guy said, "My cow's milk is so good, I finished it all and now I'm full." The second guy said, "My cow's milk is so good, I finished it all and now I'm full." The third guy said, "My cow's milk doesn't taste quite right." The first and second guy then said to the third guy, "Well, try another nipple, that one probably has no more milk." The third guy in a confused state exclaimed, "But how come my cow has only one nipple!?" Signature of Perfection is the Beginning of Enlightment .... tangra_local Guess What ? Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad." Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation." Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity... one of the girls must be quite ill." Signature of Perfection is the Beginning of Enlightment .... tangra_local Bend It Like Beckham A salesman came across a house that had a large amount of cars parked outside it, intrigued he stopped and decided to sell his double glazing to the owner. Answering the door was a gorgeous young woman, and the salesman started into his banter. After she turned down his offer for double glazing, his curiosity got the better of him and he asked how she came to acquire so many cars. "Well" she said. "I make bets with gentlemen, they lose they give me their car." The salesman becoming more intrigued, asks "What does the bet entail?" "All they have to do is copy exactly what my son does." "Is that all? How old is your son?" "He's only seven." With this the salesman can't resist anymore. "OK, I'll bet you I can do exactly what your son can do and if you win you get my car, but what do I get?" "I'll buy your double glazing and give you a good time in my bedroom." The salesman agrees and the woman calls her son. "Right, Tommy I want you to put your hand up my blouse." Tommy puts his hand up his mother's blouse and the salesman does exactly the same. "Tommy, put your hand in my bra." Tommy puts his hand in his mother's bra and the salesman does exactly the same. "Tommy I want you to put your hand up my skirt" Tommy puts his hand up his mother's skirt and the salesman does exactly the same. "Now Tommy, I want you to bend your willy." The salesman hands her his keys. Signature of Perfection is the Beginning of Enlightment .... tangra_local You mean like this ? GIRL: I have sinned a great sin. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD. PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that? GIRL: Well, he kissed me. PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this? GIRL: .Yes! PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him BASTARD. GIRL: But, he put his hand in my bra. PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this? GIRL: Yes! PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD. GIRL: But, he took my cloths off. PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this? GIRL: Yes! PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD. GIRL: But, he had sex with me! PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this? GIRL: .Yes! PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD. GIRL: But, he told me he has AIDS. PSYCHIATRIST: The BASTARD! Signature of Perfection is the Beginning of Enlightment .... tangra_local Da Back-Fire A housewife is at home when she suddenly hears a knock on the door. When she opens the door a man asks her if she has a hole. The woman slams the door in disbelief at what a stranger has just asked her. The same thing happens for three consecutive days and the woman decides to tell her husband. The husband says to the wife, "Tomorrow I am not going to work, and when the man asks if you have a hole, say 'yes' and I will be hiding behind the door." The next day the same man comes again, and when the woman opens the door he asks if she has a hole. The woman says, "Yes," The man then said, "good!, then please tell your husband to stop screwing my wife!!!" Signature of Perfection is the Beginning of Enlightment .... tangra_local Conf(u/es)sion An elderly man walked into a confessional booth. The following conversation ensued: Man: "I am 82 years old, and have a wonderful wife of 60 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. For some reason, they thought I was kind of interesting. One thing led to another, and we ended up at a motel, where I had sex with each of them twice." Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?" Man: "What sins?" Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?" Man: "I'm Jewish." Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?" Man: "I'm telling everybody." Signature of Perfection is the Beginning of Enlightment .... tangra_local Superm an One day Superman was feeling a bit horny. So, he began to ask his super hero friends for ideas on where he could get a bit of action. "Hey Batman! Who's good in the sack?" "Well Superman, everyone knows that Wonder woman is the best sex in Comicland. Why don't you try her?", replied Batman. "I'd love to, but Wonder woman and I are friends. So I don't really want to take advantage of her." "Damn shame," said Batman as he waved goodbye to Superman and drove off. Ten minutes later Superman was flying low over a city when he saw the Green Lantern patching up a building. He flew down. "Hey Hal, I'm looking for a little action. You're a swinging bachelor, who's the best babe in comicland?" "Hey, Superman! Everyone knows that Wonder woman is far and away the best lay in Comicland, why don't you try her?" "Well, we're sort of friends," Superman said, "but I didn't realize she had gotten around so much" and he flew off in frustration. Twenty minutes later Superman was flying over a field when he saw Wonder woman lying naked, in the middle of the field, with her legs apart and up in the air. Superman was tempted. He thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of there before she even knows I'm here." So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in and gone. Wonder woman stared up into the sky with a dazed _expression. "What the hell was that??" she exclaimed. "I don't know," said the Invisible Man as he rolled off, "but my ass is killing me." Signature of Perfection is the Beginning of Enlightment .... tangra_local PiGo An old farmer and his wife had a bunch of pigs, and every morning the farmer would head out to feed them. And every morning, he wouldsee all the pigs screwing up a storm. He would get turned on by this and try to get back to the house in time to f*** his wife,but he always got soft before he got there. So one day, he took his hatchet and headed out to the pigpen. "No!" said his wife. "Don't kill those pigs!" "I'm not going to kill them. I'm moving the pen closer to the house." Signature of Perfection is the Beginning of Enlightment .... tangra_local Fire ? ... Back-Fire ! A couple go to see a late night movie (the good ol nau se barah) with their 2 month old child. Just as the show gets a little intense, the infant starts crying. Mother does not want to miss the action and remains seated ... much to the agony of another viewer. "behanji ... bacche ko chup karaoo ... ... es ke moo main mamma de de" (breast feed the child) says the irate viewer. "sharam nahin aate, mahilaoon se kya aise baten karte hain" etc etc .. says the pissed off husband (long lecture on how to talk to women) "doosra ... es ke moo main de de" retorts the witty viewer. (and shut this guy up with the other one.) Signature of Perfection is the Beginning of Enlightment .... tangra_local Change your course now This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995. Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call. Signature of Perfection is the Beginning of Enlightment .... tangra_local Hand-le A pro golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news." says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" "Oh god no!" cries the man. "My career is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?" "The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm! I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant" "Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again." The operation went well and 6 months later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great" says the business man. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." "That's great." said the surgeon., "Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors" "Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a success." "Well there is one problem," said the golfer, "every time I try to masturb... I get a headache. mask A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy"! The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!" The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins." "time heals all wounds" but how long? every second counts for everybody... mask A husband suspects his wife is having an affair. He needs to go on a business trip for several days, so he decides to set a trap for her. He puts a bowl of milk under the bed. From the bed springs, he suspends a spoon. He has it calibrated so that her weight on the bed will not drop the spoon into the milk. But, if there's any more weight than that, the spoon will drop into the milk and he will detect it upon his return home. He comes home several days later. The first thing he does is reach under the bed and retrieve the bowl. The bowl is full of butter. ********************************************************************** *Date Fate*A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25." ********************************************************************** * Long d**ks * Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized peni***. "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers. "It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied. "I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated peni***?" "No sir, our mother." "Your mother? You idiot, women don't have peni***!" "I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could." ********************************************************************** * oops..wrong pic * A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts one in half and sends her the top part. Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style...it makes your nose look too long." ********************************************************************** "time heals all wounds" but how long? every second counts for everybody... mask Peni* Factor A 2nd grade teacher decides to teach sex-ed to her class. She starts out by drawing a peni* on the chalk board and asks the class, "Does anyone know what this is?" And little Johnny says, "Yes, my dad has 2 of them!" And the teacher says, "Are you sure about that?" And little Johnny says, "Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and a big long one to brush the babysitter's teeth." ********************************************************************** Cheap cheap Wine [xx(] One day a fag was jogging through the park. There was a wino passed out on the park bench, so the jogger decided, "Ah,what the hell", went over, dropped the wino's pants, gave it to him up the ass, then took $10.00 and put it in the wino's pocket. When the wino awoke he reached in his pocket found the $10.00 and went straight to the liquor store, and asked the clerk for his most expensive bottle of wine. Next day the fag was jogging through park and again the same old wino is all passed out on the park bench. So the fag drops the wino's pants, does him up the ass again, then puts another $10.00 in the wino's pocket. The wino wakes up, finds another $10.00 and heads straight to the liquor store, and tells the clerk, "I want your best bottle of wine." Come the 3rd day, the faggot is jogging through the park sees the same old wino passed out. So he drops the wino's pants and gives it to him up the ass yet again, but when he goes to get $10.00 out of his pocket, he finds out he only has a $20.00. So he gives the wino the $20.00. The wino wakes up, finds the $20.00, goes right to the liquor store, and tells the clerk that he wants the cheapest bottle of wine. The clerk says, "Wait a minute. Two days in a row you come in here with $10.00, and want my most expensive bottle of wine. Today, you have $20.00 and want the cheapest. What gives?" The wino replies, "Yeah, well, that expensive stuff is making my ass burn." ********************************************************************** "time heals all wounds" but how long? every second counts for everybody... mask Still A Virgin??There's this really old guy at an old-timer's dance, and the problem is that he hasn't scored any sex for a long time. He'd been dancing with all the grandmas all night, but still hadn't got any action. Frustrated, he approached an old grandma and said 'I'm having no luck scoring a woman. How about coming back to my place for a quicky? I'll give you 20 bucks!' She says 'Sounds good, let's go.' They get back to his place and after a bit of foreplay, they head for the bedroom. He's loving the sex, and can't get over how tight she is for such an old woman, maybe she's a virgin. After the whole performance, he rolls off of her and says 'Wow! Lady if I had of known you were a virgin, I would have given you 50 bucks' Surprised, she says 'If I had of known you were actually going to get a boner then I would have taken my stockings off!!' "time heals all wounds" but how long? every second counts for everybody... tangra_local 6-er An old man married a young girl. On their wedding night, he showed five fingers to his young wife. Young girl : "Ooh.. darling! 5 times?" Old man : "No dear, choose which one do you prefer to start with?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A woman gave birth to six babies and on seeing this she got off the hospital bed, slapped her husband and shouted, "I told you not to do it doggy style!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Whoever first said that "A dog is man's best friend" had never seen a pussies before. tangra_local ^@^ This sex researcher phones one of the participants in a recent survey of his to check on a discrepancy. He asks the bloke, "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered 'twice weekly'. Your wife, on the other hand, answered 'several times a night'." "That's right," replies the bloke, "And that's how it's going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The minister dies and the congregation decides, after some time, that his widow should marry again. Since it is a small village, the only available candidate is the local butcher. Although very reluctant, since she was used to living with a Bible scholar, she accepts. After the marriage, on Friday night just after taking a bath, the new husband tells his wife, "Look, my mother always said that, before the beginning of the weekend, it was a blessing to have sex." So they do, and then, on Saturday, he tells her, "According to my father, it is a blessing to have sex during the day before the Sabbath." They go at it again, and, when it is time to go to sleep, he tells her, "My grandfather told me that one should always have sex on Sabbath night." Finally, they go to sleep and, when they wake up the next morning, he tells her, "My aunt says that a Christian man always starts the Sabbath by having sex. So lets do it." On Monday, she goes out to the market and meets a friend who asks her, "So how is the new husband?" "Well, an intellectual he isn't, but he comes from a wonderful family!!!" tangra_local Taken 4 A Ride A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike." The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way? The chief replied, "My bike." tangra_local Caught Leg Behind Wicket There was a young man who was so well-endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three doctors and one nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation. The first doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the end." They discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity. The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of the middle of it." They discussed it and decided it would change the texture and feel of it. The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of it." They discussed it and said that would give him erection problems. The doctors looked at the nurse who had tears running down her cheeks. The nurse cried, "Can't we just make his legs longer?" tangra_local Honey Over The Moon You may have heard about a new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time. He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!" tangra_local Googly A pregnant woman went to the gynecologist, and when asked what was the problem, she responded, "Well, whenever I take off my clothes, my nipples get hard." Shocked, the doctor took a deep breath, then asked, "Your nipples get hard?" "Yes," quite innocently came her reply. "Undress so I can check," replied the still amazed doc. So, she undressed, and he got down to the feeling and massaging, trying to reach an answer. After some considerable time, the doctor, still looking puzzled, said, "Well, Madame, I don't know what you have, but it's sure as hell contagious!" tangra_local SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE ~ ~~ ~~~ What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan. ~ ~~ ~~~ What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. ~ ~~ ~~~ ~~~~ What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag. ~ ~~ ~~~ Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it. ~ ~~ ~~~ What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth? One US leader. ~ ~~ ~~~ What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts. ~ ~~ ~~~ Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. ~ ~~ ~~~ Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely? Because Janet Reno is her real father. ~ ~~ ~~~ What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together? 100 people who don't do dick. ><> <><> <><> *((((((( ^-^ ))))))))* <><> <><> <>< tangra_local Da f--king Wall ! A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lived for ten more years, and then dies peacefully. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the f--king wall!"" AntiqueSilver MY DOG CALLED 'SEX' Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on. When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!" One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off. When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Same here!" Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday. Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I can't live any longer being so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend, so go get yourself a dog." "???!!??" ~~'Guerrilla' is not my style~~ tangra_local Laughter All Da Way You know, there were very few things that upset my ex-husband. It makes me feel rather special to have been one of them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Father: "I'm worried about your being at the bottom of the class." Son: "Don't worry, Dad, they teach the same stuff at both ends." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I read a survey the other day. It said that the 'successful woman' was one who made $38,500 per year. One of the questions on the survey that this information came from was "how many times do you like to make love?" The most popular answer was 2 times a day. Two times a day? That's two times, seven days a week, 356 days a year. That's 738 times a year. You show me a woman who makes love 738 times a year and I'll show you a woman who makes a lot more than thirty-eight tangra_local 3-Play Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home. Later that night, their mother couldn't sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter's bedroom and heard her screaming. The mother thought to herself, "That's normal, especially on her wedding night." She snuck by her second oldest daughter's room and heard her laughing. "That's normal too," she said, smiling to herself. Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter's room where she didn't hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it. The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night's noises. "Well Mom," she replied, "you always said if it hurt I should scream." "You're absolutely right sweetheart," the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter. "Now why were you laughing?" she asked. "You always said if it tickled, I could laugh," she answered. "True enough, honey." The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days. "Now it's your turn, baby," she said turning to her youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?" "Mom, don't you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full." tangra_local Col-Gate I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle. While in the lounge, I notice Bill Gates sitting on the chesterfield enjoying a cognac. I was meeting with a very important client who was also flying to Seattle with me but she was running a bit late. Being a forward type of guy, I approached Mr. Gates and introduced myself. I explained to him that I was conducting some very important business and how much I would appreciate it if he could throw a quick "hello Chris" at me when I was with my client. He agreed. Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him. He said, "Hi Chris, what's happening?" To which I replied, "f*** off Gates, I'm in a meeting. tangra_local Desi-Funda Once a father and his son go for a walk. Suddenly the son sees two dogs having sex and ask his dad 'Papaji what are they doing? Father gets embarassed while answering his son's question and replies, 'Nothing son, the dog is sick and the bitch is trying to take him to the hospital!' Then son thinks for a while and says, 'Papaji kya zamana aa gaya hai, jo jiski madat karta hai woh usee ki gaand marta hai!' tangra_local Hanu-Man A Man used to carry a copy of Hanuman Chalisa and a packet of Condom. Once he was questioned by his friends about the things he carried. He replied that 'Bhoot aur choot ka koi bharosi nahi . Kabhi bhi mil jate hain'. **************** tangra_local Million $ Question Jassi was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that they have sex in the dark. Hoping to free her husband from his inhibitions, during a passionate evening, she flipped on the lamp... only to discover a cucumber in his hand. 'Is THIS what you've been using on me for the past 5 years!?!' 'Honey, let me explain!' 'Why you sneaky bastard!' she screamed. 'You impotent son of a bit--' 'Speaking of sneaky!' he interrupted, 'maybe you'd care to explain our 3 kids!!![:0]' tangra_local Vice Versa Once a sadhu went to a prostitute. After doing his stuff he was leaving, when the prostitute asked, 'Baba Money ?' To which he replies, 'Pagli tujhse thodi loonga!' tangra_local Doggie Style There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an old man in overalls was sitting on the porch. "Excuse me Sir," the tourist asked, "but does your dog bite?" "Nope." replied the old man. So the tourist stepped out of his car. The dog ran over snarling and growling and bit him on his arms and legs. As the dog was dragging him away the tourist was flailing around in the dust and yelled, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" "Ain't my dog." tangra_local Secret Bout Da 100 Dollar$ Bill A guy goes to the tattoo parlour and offers the tattoo artist $1, 000 to put a $100 bill on his willie. The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this. The man replies, 'I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now.' So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a $100 bill on his penis. So, he tells the man that he really needs to know the reason why and says that the man can keep the $1000 he would have paid for the tattoo if he would just tell the reason for putting a $100 bill on his willie. So, the man consents and offers these three reasons: 'First, I like to play with my money. Second, I like to watch my money grow. And third, and most importantly, the next time my wife wants to blow $100, she can stay home to do it. tangra_local Fluct U Atian An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 yen and walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money than he had gotten the previous week. The lady answers, "Fluct u ations." The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, he turned around and said "Fluc you Amelicans too tangra_local Shoot Me! I Ain't Dead A couple of redneck hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other redneck starts to panic, then whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He frantically blurts out to the operator, "O my gawd! Help! My friend just died. He's Dead! What can I do?" The operator, trying to calm him says, "Take it easy. I can help. Just listen to me and follow my instructions. First, lets make sure he's dead." There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a loud gun shot!!! The redneck comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?" tangra_local I see sales for Viagra are way down. I guess all those old guys finally figured out that sex with an old woman is not worth $20. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man and woman were having marital problems so they went to see a marriage counselor. The counselor, in an attempt to find some common ground from which to begin his analysis said, "Tell me about anything the two of you have in common." The husband spoke up and said, "Yea, neither one of us sucks dicks." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joe runs into Brian at the hardware store. "I heard you're dating Carol lately," says Joe. Brian replies, "That's right; I am." Joe asks, "Man, how can you stand to look at her? I'm sorry, Bri, but that gal is UGLY!" Brian answers, "That's okay, Buddy! All I ever see is the top of her head, and she has pretty hair!" tangra_local Tom pays a visit to a gorgeous young prostitute. After two hours of exhausting great sex he says, "Now you won't see me for a while." The prostitute isn't happy to see a good customer leave and asks, "Are you too busy next week to pay me a visit?" "No sweety, that's not what I mean. Just turn over..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy thi s material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk. "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled tangra_local Bob was such a womanizer. Everywhere he went, he was always hitting on women. True to his form, he was at a department store one afternoon and was attracted to one of the saleswomen and proceeded to see if she would go out with him that evening. She snapped at him, "I know your type. You think you can take me for drinks, and then try to get me back to your apartment, and then get me in to your bed. I can read you like a book." Bob just smiled and said, "Well then, don't miss Chapter 5, it's a doozie." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Morris I'm ashamed of the way we live," a young wife said to her lazy husband who refused to find a job. "My father pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food. My sister buys our clothes. My aunt bought us a car.... I'm just so ashamed." Morris rolled over on the couch. "You should be ashamed," he agreed. "Those two worthless brothers of yours never give us a cent." tangra_local Blow Ma Whistle! I was driving into the old historic section of town and found Tim, one of the bartenders at The River City Grill curled up on a curb alongside the road in tears. I stopped the car and hollered over to him, "Hey, Tim, what the hell happened to you?" Wiping away his tears, he moaned, "Look at my new convertible!" He pointed to a crashed car down the street, wrapped around a tree trunk. "****, man, don't cry. Get the insurance settlement and just buy another car, " I level-headedly advised. "Look inside the car," Tim moaned. After looking, I continued to console him. "Aww, dude, don't worry! You can always find another blonde." Tim looked at me and wailed agonizingly, "Look inside her f***ing mouth!" tangra_local Free Styler A woman went to the doctor and complained that she was suffering from knee pains. "Do you indulge in any activity that puts a lot of pressure on your knees?" asked the doctor. "Every night, my husband and I have sex on the floor doggy style." "I see," said the doctor. "You know, there are plenty of other sexual positions?" "Not if you want to watch TV there ain't!" tangra_local A girl was telling her date about her old boyfriend, and while doing so was stroking her beer bottle up and down many times. Finally her date has had enough and says, "You're always thinking about him. Why don't you think about me once in a while?" "OK!" she says and starts stroking the top two inches of her bottle. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ On his honeymoon, Todd insisted on having a room with a balcony overlooking the sea. On retiring for the night after the wedding, his new bride emerged from the bathroom dressed in some very sexy lingerie. "Todd, come in off the balcony and see what I have waiting for you to savor for the first time," she says coyly. "No thanks, I want to sit out here," he said. So his bride sat down brushing her golden hair for 10 minutes after which she invited Todd once more to come in off the balcony to take pleasure of her virginal body. Once more he refused. Eventually she grew tired of waiting and she retired to the wedding bed and fell asleep. In the morning, she awoke to find him still sitting on the balcony. "Why did you spend the whole night out there when you could have been making love all night?" she asked. "Well my dad said the first night of my marriage would be the most beautiful night of my whole life and I didn't want to miss a moment of it." tangra_local When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home. One item on her list was "comfortable underwear." Worried I'd make the wrong choice, I asked, "How will I know which ones to pick?" "Hold them up and imagine them on me," she answered. "If you smile, put them back." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A very religious man wanted to prove his faith in God. So, he tied himself to a pylon in the ocean, with the water up to his chest. As the tide started to come in, a boat came by. The man in the boat said, "Hey, what are you doing? Get in my boat and I will save you." At which time the man said that he had total faith in God and that He would not let him drown. As the water neared his head, another boat came by. The man stopped and said the same thing. To which the near drowning man stated, "I have total faith in my God. He will not let me drown." So, the boat went away. A third boat came by. This boater was frantic, being that the water was lapping at the man's nose. But the response was the same. As the last boat left, the water rose above his head and the man drowned. Walking around Heaven, the man was clearly confused. Then he saw God. "Lord, I had total faith in You. Why would You let me down like that? You made no effort to stop the tide!" At which time God stated, "Holy Cow, man, what more did you want from Me? I sent you three boats!!!" tangra_local Max Payne Max sat at the bar totally dejected. The bartender served him his second drink and said, "What's wrong pal?" "I'll never understand women." Max said. "The other night my wife threw me a birthday party. She told me that later on, as her gift to me, I could do with her whatever I wanted." "Wow!" said the bartender. "But why so unhappy? That sounds like quite a gift to me." "Well, " Max went on, "I thought about it and sent her home to her Mother. Now she won't even speak to me!" tangra_local Puppy Luv The man was in a hurry to board the airplane and didn't have time to do the paperwork to get his little doggie on board. So the man stashed the puppy down the front of his pants and snuck him on to the plane. About 30 minutes into the flight, a stewardess noticed that the man was squirming in his seat. "Are you OK, mister?" the stewardess asked. "Yes, I'm fine," said the man. Time went by and again the stewardess noticed strange movements. "Are you sure you're all right, sir?" "Yes," the man insisted, "but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to do the paperwork to bring my puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants." "I see," the stewardess said. "Well, as long as he's housebroken, I guess it will be OK." "Oh, he's housebroken," the man replied. "The problem is, he's not weaned yet!" tangra_local Oliver Twist A young couple had just returned from their honeymoon and were settling down in their new apartment. As he was coming home from work one night, the landlady met the man in the hallway. She said, "I have a couple of extra tickets to a play in town tonight, and I wonder if you and your bride would like to have them?" "I'll ask her," the young man responded. He opened his door and called out, "Honey, would you like to see 'Oliver Twist' tonight?" "Hey, Pal," she retorted. "If you show me one more trick with that thing, I'm going home to mother." tangra_local Nun On Da Run A Nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighborhood Cowboy bar. The place was hopping with music and dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the Nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?" The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should. " "Why not? " the Nun asked. "Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private part is covered only by a fig leaf. " "Nonsense, " said the Nun, "I'll just look the other way. " So the bartender showed the Nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom? " "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "would you like a drink? " "But, I still don't understand, " said the puzzled Nun. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place... Now, how about that drink?" tangra_local Computer Bugs My wife was complaining that I spend too much time on the computer, and not enough time with her. I decided to fix that by having a `movie night` with her. We watched `Hackers`, `The Net`, `Anti-Trust`, `You've Got Mail ` and The Matrix. She's still mad at me. What did I do? tangra_local Letter From Da Hell Dear Friends It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation. When I got laid off from my consulting job and took "early retirement" in March, it became necessary for Susan to get a full-time job, both for the extra income and for the health benefits that we need. It was shortly after she started working that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from fishing and hunting about the same time that she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she finally does get supper on the table. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed. Now that she is older, she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening, I am willing to overlook it.. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker game club or Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of the odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting. Also, if I have a really good day of fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace. Susan is starting to complain a little occasionally. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills on her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then won't hurt her any, if you know what I mean. When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to embarrass her when she needs these little rest breaks. I tell her to fix a big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep. I know that I probably look like a Saint in the way that I support Susan on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile. Signed, Bob Please Note: Bob's funeral was on Saturday, April 26th. Susan was acquitted Monday, April 28th. tangra_local Diamond Cards Bill meets Doug shopping at the mall and sees he has a small gift wrapped box. "It's my wife's birthday tomorrow." Doug said. "Last week I asked her what she wanted for her birthday." "And???" Bill asked. "Well, she said 'Oh, I don't know - just give me something with diamonds in it'." "So what did you get her?" asked Bill. Doug replies, "I bought her a deck of cards!" tangra_local Amateur A guy has never had sex, and gets into bed on his wedding night. His new wife gets naked, sits on the bed, and says, "Do you know what I want?" He says, "No." She gets in bed, spreads her legs wide, and says, "Now do you know what I want?" He says, "Well, apparently, you want the whole bed to yourself!" tangra_local To Da Ladies After God had created man he stepped back and admired his work: "Look at this perfect physique, the strong but yet handsome features, the well balanced proportions, I have to say, I am in awe with myself." Then he turned and looked at the woman. After he had been studying her for a while he said: "Well, I guess you will have to wear make-up." tangra_local Jewish Marriage advice: "Don't marry a beautiful person. They may leave you. Of course, an ugly person may leave you too. But who cares?" mask Rated: [:D] = so so [:D][:D] = funny ~positons vacant~[:D] Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon." ###################################################################### ~Hella FamiLy~[:D][:D] Jack and Jill were twins who couldn't find dates to the prom. So Jill asked Jack to go with her. Jack said, "No, you're my sister, that's gross." Jill said, "Come on. Promise me if you can't find another date, you'll take me." So Jack said okay. Well, Jack couldn't find a date so he went with Jill. They were just standing by the punch bowl, and Jill asked Jack to dance. Jack said, "No, you're my sister, that's gross." Jill said, "Come on. It'll be fun." So Jack said okay, and they had a great time. After the dance, Jill asked Jack to take her to Makeout Hill. Jack said, "No, you're my sister, It would be gross." Jill said, "We'll just talk, we don't talk anymore." So Jack said okay. They were at Makeout Hill talking, when Jill moved to the backseat. Jill said, "Come on, Jack, take me." Jack didn't argue. When Jack moved on top of Jill, Jill murmured, "You're a lot lighter than dad." Jack said back, "I know. Mom told me last night." ###################################################################### ~I mean it~[:D][:D] Business was good at the local whorehouse and the madam decided to partition one of larger rooms. After the work was complete the carpenter asked for payment but was put off. After several weeks he still hadn't been paid and he regularly threatened, "Pay me or I'll rip out the partition." Finally the madam offered to pay him in trade. "Take any girl in the house and have your pleasure with her." "I'll take you." "Me? I'm an old lady. Take one of those young, good looking chicks." "I want you." So he took her upstairs and removed all her clothes, laid her on her back and put one finger in her **ssy and one finger in her butt. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I told you before. Pay me or I'll rip out the partition." ###################################################################### ~How Loose~[:D][:D] A guy was on his first date with a notoriously loose girl. She was immediately receptive to his foreplay after they parked. The petting went on and he put his hand in her panties. She seemed to be enjoying it, but suddenly objected, "Ouch! That ring is hurting me!" "That's no ring... That's my watch!" ###################################################################### ~Peace out or there will be a huge army-no wonder china has a big military~[:D] Two soldiers were having a chat during their free time. First Soldier: Why did you join the army? Second Soldier: I didn't have a wife and I loved war. So I joined. How about you? Why did you join the army? First Soldier: I had a wife and I loved peace. So I joined. ###################################################################### ~Old guys~[:D][:D] Three old guys are sitting around complaining. The first guy says, "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I almost cut my ear off." The second guy says, "My hands shake so bad that when I ate breakfast today, I spilled half my coffee on my toast." The third guy says, "My hands shake so bad that the last time I went to pee I came(cum) just taking my cock out." ###################################################################### ~Just like a Woman~[:D][:D] As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!". ###################################################################### ~Try All ways~[:D] There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup. ###################################################################### ~Tight One~[:D] This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her **ssy. "Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand in!". The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!!!". So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands..." commands the girl. "I can't", says the guy. The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight **ssy!". ###################################################################### ~Blind Date?~[:D] A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!" ###################################################################### ~Skiing~[:D][:D] Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!" ###################################################################### tangra_local D 3 Test A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind the counter, which is filled to the brim with ten-dollar bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it and approaches the bartender to ask: Man: "What's up with the jar?" Bartender: "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money." Man: "What are the three tests?" Bartender: "Pay first. Those are the rules." So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the jar. Bartender: "OK, here's what you have to do. First you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila - the WHOLE thing at once - AND you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her." Man: "Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot; I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of tequila and get crazier from there." Bartender: "Your call. But your money stays in the jar." Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks: "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands and downs it with a big slurp, tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge scuffle going on. They hear barking and screams, yelps, and growling, then eventually silence. Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "NOW," he says, "where's that woman with the sore tooth? tangra_local Breakin' NEWS According to a new article in 'Cosmopolitan' magazine, they say the position you sleep in says a lot about you. They say women who sleep on their sides are sensitive. Women who sleep on their stomachs are competent, and women who sleep on their backs with their ankles behind their ears are very popular. tangra_local Must B A Japanese Techonology I got a new car radio yesterday and it is terrific. If I say "Rock" it plays rock and roll. If I say "Rap" it plays rap. If I say "Love" it plays love songs. Three kids ran out in front of the car and I said "f***ing kids!" And it played Michael Jackson. tangra_local Gentle ... Men ? During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students : "If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?" Mike replies : "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss." The teacher says : "That would be very rude and improper on your part." Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute." The teacher says : "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant." And Billy says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope, to be able to introduce to you after dinner. " The teacher passed out.