|
| XTC |
Dave works hard at the office, puts in a lot of overtime, and then spends most evenings bowling, playing basketball or working out at the gym. His wife, Mary, thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doing?"
Mary is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He works out at the gym with me."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser.
Mary is now becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser."
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"
Mary, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots his wife getting into a cab. Before Mary can slam the door, Dave jumps in beside her. Right away she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
|
| XTC |
| While in prison O.J. had another prisoner join him in his cell. This person was 8' tall and 670 lbs. of solid muscle.
He asked O.J. if he wanted to be the husband or the wife.
Now O.J. not being stupid started reasoning in his mind "OK if I say I'm going to be the wife, this guy is going to fuck me in the ass." So O.J. said he was going to be the husband.
The other prisoner said, OK O.J. youˇ¦re the husband. Now get over here and suck your wife's dick."
|
| XTC |
| A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
"I'm on the 7th hole," she replied, "and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.
"I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole."
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"
"I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh," she replied.
"No, I won't."
"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost fell off the bar stool.
"See," she said. "I knew you'd laugh!"
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you."
|
| XTC |
| This little boy and his grandfather are fishing. Granddad pulls out a beer and the little boy says "Grandpa, can I have one of those?"
Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your ass-hole?" to which the little boy responds "No." "Then you can't have one."
A while later, the granddad pulls out a cigar and the boy asks, "Can I have one of those?"
Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your ass-hole?" to which the little boy responds "No." "Then you can't have one."
Later on, Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for food and each buy a lottery ticket. Grandpa is unlucky, but the little boy says, "I just won $50,000"
Grandpa says, "Great, you're going to split that with me, right?"
The little boy asks, "Grandpa, is your penis long enough to touch your ass-hole?" "Yes," Says grandpa.
"Then go fuck yourself"
Edited by - XTC on 06 Mar 2003 08:13:24 |
| anonymous |
| Subject: Importance Of Names!!
Since history began, the Chinese always believed in the significance of one's name. They have developed a very comprehensive system of naming one's children as it is believed that the name of a person strongly influences one's destiny and fate. Astrologers, fortune tellers, academics and monks are consulted when choosing a name for the new born. The other cultures,however do not really believe in it and tend to brush it off as superstition.
Whether you believe it or not, however, the other cultures are not
spared of this correlation. For example, the Chinese surname LEE (Li) is associated with power and success such as Lee Kuan Yew, Lee Teng Hui(Taiwanese President), Li Peng (China's ex PM), Li Ka Shing (HK tycoon)
and LEE Iacocca - once Chrysler's chief, Lee Van Cliff, the actor.
One very good example is Lee Iacocca, whose first name IACOCCA
stands for :
I Am Chairman Of Chrysler Corporation America coincidence?..........
Look at the following familiar examples.
1.Mahathir (Malaysia's PM):
My Assets Halved After The Hit In Ringgit !
2. Suharto (Ex president of Indonesia):
Should U Have Additional Rupiahs, Throw Out!
3. Bush (American President)
Beat Up Saddam Hussein !
4. Clinton :
Call Lewinsky, I Need The Oral Now !
5. However, no one can beat this latest casualty in bad naming
Osama:
Oh Shit, American Missiles Again!
With all these, you better believe in the 5000 year old Chinese culture.
Make sure you choose a good name for your children.
|
| anonymous |
| A bus stops and two Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting
behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly."In this country....we don't speak aloud in pubic places about our sex lives....
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a
justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
I BET YOU READ THIS AGAIN!!!
|
| XTC |
| A woman was on her way home from the market carrying a duck.
A drunk staggered up to her and said, "Hey! where'd ja get that pig?"
The woman haughtily replied, "You drunken ass, that's no pig -- it's a duck!"
And the drunk said, "Shut up, bitch... I was talking to the duck!"
|
| XTC |
| WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - - silence - - -
HUSBAND: "Shit."
|
| XTC |
| A man walks into a bar. He sees a good-looking, smartly dressed woman sitting on the bar stool. He walks up behind her and says, "Hi there, how's it going?"
Having already had a few drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "Listen! I'll screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter."
He says, "No kidding, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"
|
| XTC |
quote:
For example, the Chinese surname LEE (Li) is associated with power and success such as Lee Kuan Yew, Lee Teng Hui(Taiwanese President), Li Peng (China's ex PM), Li Ka Shing (HK tycoon)
and LEE Iacocca - once Chrysler's chief, Lee Van Cliff, the actor.
I agree with this "it is believed that the NAME of a person strongly influences one's destiny and fate", but not the SURNAME, family name doesn't associate with power and success. It happens that the Lee (Li) family are vast majority of the Chinese people just as the Chen, Lin & few more surname.
My history is not that good also, but just happen to know it.
|
| XTC |
quote:
I BET YOU READ THIS AGAIN!!!
You bet!
|
| jennylee |
| A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, " Shall we go home, 'Mother of six'?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shout right back, "Anytime you're ready, ....... Father of Four!"
|
| jennylee |
| A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for a flight to Europe. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me tomorrow morning at 5:00 am ". The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed....it said.... "It's 5:00am, wake up!"
|
| davidli2k |
| Three virgin daughters:
A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within
a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their
sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a
postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.
The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at first, but
then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good
til the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding,
and the card read: "Benson & Hedges." Mom now knew to go straight to
her husbands' cigarettes, and she read from the Benson&Hedges pack:
"Extra Long. King Size," She was again slightly embarrassed but still
happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited
for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then
after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky
hand were the words "British Airways," Mom took out her latest
Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the
worst, and finally found the ad for BA. The ad said: "Three times a
day, seven days a week, both ways."
Mom fainted ....
The Wackyalien |
| davidli2k |
| BRITISH & GANPATHRAI
Due to the way our hallowed Hindi was pronounced by the Britishers,
this actually comes across as a bit 'dirty' ........ ..... but if
you try hard and get the accent right, you will have a good laugh..!
---------------------------------------------------------------
A Poor Bihari villager named GANPATRAI (who really needs a job), is
being interviewed by a Britisher, Colonel Smith :
Col. Smith: Haan toh gand fatrahai (Ganpatrai)!!
Bihari: Nahi sir, jyada nahi!!
Col. Smith: Kya 'jyada nahi' bolta hai, tumhara application me likha
hua hai Gand fatrahai.
Bihari : Theekh hai mai baap, likha hai to fatraha hoga.
Col. Smith: Tum Daily marata hai (tum delhi me rahta hai)??
Bihari: Nahi sir, kabhi kabhi!!
Col. Smith: Gand fatrahai, idar aaoo, kya 'kabhi kabhi' bolta hai?
Tumhara application mein likha hua hai ki tum Daily marata hai.
Bihari: Theek hai mai bap, likha hai to marata hounga.
The Bihari was employed on one condition that he will do whatever Col. Smith's family asks him to do.
Col. Smith: Gand fatrahai!!
Ganpatrai : Ji maalik.
Col. Smith: Aaj tum ko 3 kaam karnee kaa haai
Ganpatrai : hukum Sarkaar
Col. Smith: Tum pehla hamaari beti ko chodenga (drop her off) phir
hamaari biwi ko chodenga aur uske baad hum ko chodenga.
Ganpatrai : Maaf karna Sarkaar, tumhari biwi aur beti to theek hai,
lekin main aap ko nahi choddh sakta.
Col. Smith: Gand fatrahai! Tum ko hum ko chodhnaa padhega.
Ganpatrai: Nahi sarkaar aisa zulum naa kare.
Col. Smith: Gand fatrahai, agar tum hum ko nahi chodhsakta to hum
tumko nokri se nikaal denga.
Ganpatrai: Theek hai sarkaar ....jo hukum.
After a few days There is no one except Col. Smith's wife at home.
She is alone in her bedroom. While wearing her bra she is unable to
tie the damn knot behind. So......
Wife: Gand fatrahai, idhar aaoo?
Ganpatrai: Ji Maalkin.
Wife: Gand fatrahai, hammara peeche se gaand maaro (gaanth maro).
Ganpatrai: Yeh kya keh rahi hai Maalkin.
Wife: Gand fatrahai, jaldi se gaand maaro hum ko late hota hai.
Ganpatrai: Nahi Nahi Maalkin. Agar maine aisa kiya to hum ko sarkar
kacha kha jayenge.
Wife: Gand fatrahai, agar tumne jaldi se hammari gaand nahi maari
to hum tumko kacha kha jaayengi.
Ganpatrai: Theek hai maalkin. Jo hukum. Ganpatrai who has been
frustrated by these Brits for a long time starts ****ing like a bull.
Panic striken .. the wife tries to turn and shouts:
Wife: GAND FATRAHAI, GAND FATRAHAI, GAND FATRAHAI !!!
Ganpatrai: Memsaab...Gaand maarega to Gaand to phatega hee!!!!!
The Wackyalien |
| davidli2k |
| Everyone rolls their eyes when they hear a pun.It's just that some of us like to roll our eyes.Here are some examples:
A bicycle cant stand on it's own bcos it's two-tired
In democracy,it's your vote that counts. In feudalism,it's your count that votes.
Time flies like an arrow.Fruit flies like a banana.
For a while,she had a boyfriend with a wooden leg,but then she broke it off.
You show me a piano tumbling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat Minor.
The Wackyalien
Edited by - davidli2k on 14 Mar 2003 10:32:07 |
| davidli2k |
| A correction printed in a Canadian newspaper:"The Ottawa Citizen and Southam News wish to apologise for our apology to Mark Steyn.In correcting the incorrect statements about Mr Steyn,published October 15,we incorrectly published the incorrect correction.We accept and regret that our original regrets were unacceptable,and we apologise to Mr Steyn for any distress caused by our previous apology"
The Wackyalien |
| davidli2k |
| ON THE JOB
I've had lots of jobs.My first one was working in an orange-juice factory,but I couldn't concentrate,so I got canned.
Then I got work as a tailor,but it was just a sew-sew job, and I wasn't suited for it.
Then I tried to be a chef.Figured it would add a little spice to my life,but I just didnt have the thyme.
Next i worked for a pool maintenance company.It went swimmingly for a while,but eventually it got to be draining.
My last job was in a grocery store,but I didnt put much stock in it,and ended up getting sacked.
The Wackyalien |
| davidli2k |
| WITHOUT A PRAYER
Church bulletins contain more than their fair share of bloopers.Here are some courtesy of the Internet: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals."
"Ladies,dont forget the rummage sale.It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.Dont forget your husbands."
"Scouts are saving aluminium cans,bottles and other items to be recycled.Proceeds will be used to cripple children."
"Dinner at 5 p.m.Prayer and medication to follow."
"Morning sermon:Jesus Walks on the Water.Evening sermon:Searching for Jesus."
"The associate minister unveiled the Church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday:"I Upped My Pledge,Up Yours."
The Wackyalien |
| davidli2k |
A very rich and single lady wanted to find a husband.So she posted an ad in the newspaper stating that she wanted a husband.But she included 3 conditions: - He must not beat me
- He must not run away
- He must satisfy me in bed
Anyone not able to fulfill these conditions need not apply.
After several weeks she still haven't received any replies.But one day her doorbell rang.She went to the door,only to find someone lying on the ground with no arms and legs.So she asked him who he was.He replied that he came to marry her.Surprised,she asked him if he fulfilled the 3 conditions.He said:"You see,I have no arms,so I cannot beat you.I have no legs,so I cannot run away." "Then what bout the third condition."she asked curiously. He replied"Ma'am,I rang the doorbell,didn't I?"
The Wackyalien |
| jennylee |
| Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their
appearance than
improving their minds?
A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff
in your new car.
|
| jennylee |
| Once a man went to a redlight area. There the prostitute ask him, "Are you married?" He answers ,"What difference does it make." She replies back, "we're here to serve the needy not the greedy." |
| XTC |
| A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"
Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."
The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so marched over to inquire what was wrong.
"Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"
Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pyjamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them!!!"
At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back???"
+---------------------------------------------------------------------------+
True knowledge of sound carries with it great power. It allows one to travel without moving.
+---------------------------------------------------------------------------+ |
| XTC |
| A golfer was lined up and ready on the 17th tee when out of the woods came a naked girl who ran past him and into the woods on the other side of the tee.
Being the avid golfer he was, he once again bore down on the ball and right in the middle of his back swing a guy in a white coat ran out of the woods and asked him if a naked lady had run past.
Our golfer said, "Yes, she ran into the woods."
The guy in the white coat said thanks and ran after her.
Our golfer again prepared to hit the ball when all of a sudden another man in a white coat came out of the woods carrying a 5 gallon bucket of sand and asked if he had seen a man in a white coat come through here chasing a naked lady.
He said yes, they ran that way through the woods.
The man said thanks and started to run off when the golfer stopped him and asked, "Hey, what's going on?"
The guy explained, "You see, we work at a sanitarium nearby. Every now and then that girl gets away and all she wants to do is get naked and make love."
"Well, what's the bucket of sand for???"
"Oh, that's my handicap. I caught her the last time!!"
+---------------------------------------------------------------------------+
True knowledge of sound carries with it great power. It allows one to travel without moving.
+---------------------------------------------------------------------------+ |
| XTC |
| A midget went into a whorehouse. None of the girls really wanted to serve him, so finally they drew lots and Mitzi was unlucky and went up to the room with him.
A minute later, there was a loud scream. The madam and all the girls charged up the staircase and into the room. Mitzi lay on the floor in a dead faint. Standing next to the bed was the midget, nude, and with a three foot cock hanging down and almost touching the floor.
The girls were dumbfounded by the sight. Finally, one of them regained her composure to say, "Sir, would you mind if we felt it? We've never seen anything like that before."
The midget sighed, "Okay, honey. But only touching. No sucking. I used to be six feet tall."
+---------------------------------------------------------------------------+
True knowledge of sound carries with it great power. It allows one to travel without moving.
+---------------------------------------------------------------------------+ |
|