|
| kool_loving_babe |
Martha Stewart's Holiday To-Do List
December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
December 3
Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion a cat-o-nine-tails. Flog gardener.
December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
December 7
Debug Windows '2000
December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 11
Lay Faberge egg.
December 12
Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13
Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.
December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.
December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas. Festoon windows with worthless stock.
December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
December 31
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
|
| kool_loving_babe |
| Bad reception
A blonde went to eletronic store and she asked, "How is much is this TV?"
The salesman said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes."
The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes."
The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry we don''t sell to blondes."
She replied, " I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?"
"Because that is not a TV, it''s a microwave."
"IN YOU O LORD I PUT MY TRUST; AND LET ME NOT BE PUT TO SHAME" |
| kool_loving_babe |
| 3 blondes jump off a building ...
Why did the 3 blondes jump off the building?
They wanted to see if their maxi-pads really had wings.
"IN YOU O LORD I PUT MY TRUST; AND LET ME NOT BE PUT TO SHAME" |
| kool_loving_babe |
| Blonde Nurse
Why did the blonde nurse take a red magic marker to work?
In case she had to draw some blood.
"IN YOU O LORD I PUT MY TRUST; AND LET ME NOT BE PUT TO SHAME" |
| kool_loving_babe |
| A Blonde Goes to the Library?
Once a blonde went to the library to get a book. A few days later, she returns and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so i would like to return it."
The librarian says to the other librarian, "So here is the person who took our phone book!"
"IN YOU O LORD I PUT MY TRUST; AND LET ME NOT BE PUT TO SHAME" |
| kool_loving_babe |
| 3 Wishes
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.
One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.
The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."
The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home."
POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too."
POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.
The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.
The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"
The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."
"IN YOU O LORD I PUT MY TRUST; AND LET ME NOT BE PUT TO SHAME" |
| kool_loving_babe |
| Indecent Exposure
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts.
A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
"Why, officer?" asks the blonde.
"Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed."
"Oh my goodness," exclaims the blonde, "I left my baby on the bus!"
"IN YOU O LORD I PUT MY TRUST; AND LET ME NOT BE PUT TO SHAME" |
| kool_loving_babe |
| Blonde Braincells
How do blondes' braincells die?
Alone.
"IN YOU O LORD I PUT MY TRUST; AND LET ME NOT BE PUT TO SHAME" |
| kool_loving_babe |
| Don't Eat the Brown Ones
A guy took his girlfriend to the movies. During the pre-views, she asked him if he would go and buy her some M & Ms.
When he returned with her candy, she opened the bag, picked out all the brown ones and threw them away.
"What did you do that for?" he asked her.
"I'm allergic to chocolate!" she replied.
"IN YOU O LORD I PUT MY TRUST; AND LET ME NOT BE PUT TO SHAME" |
| kool_loving_babe |
| Baking Blondes
One day 2 blondes walked into a tanning salon. One blonde said, " A tan for 2 please!"
The cashier said, " Ok," filled out a form for them and asked, "are you two sisters?"
They chuckled and replied, " No, we aren't even Catholic."
"IN YOU O LORD I PUT MY TRUST; AND LET ME NOT BE PUT TO SHAME" |
| kool_loving_babe |
| Soccer Blonde
A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
The blonde approached and asked if she was all right.
The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"
The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, the blonde then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"
"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
"IN YOU O LORD I PUT MY TRUST; AND LET ME NOT BE PUT TO SHAME" |
| kool_loving_babe |
| Ancient Chinese Torture
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
"IN YOU O LORD I PUT MY TRUST; AND LET ME NOT BE PUT TO SHAME" |
| kool_loving_babe |
| little boy wrote to Santa ...
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
"IN YOU O LORD I PUT MY TRUST; AND LET ME NOT BE PUT TO SHAME" |
| kool_loving_babe |
| Fish Market
One day there was a blind man walking down the street and he smelled oranges, so he bought some fruit.
He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts.
Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, "Hello ladies!"
"IN YOU O LORD I PUT MY TRUST; AND LET ME NOT BE PUT TO SHAME" |
| jennylee |
| One day a British archeologist was teaching english to a group of native people.
1st they came across a river. the British man pointed out to the river and said "river". The native people repeated after him "river".
Next they came across a tree, and again the British man pointed out to the tree and said "tree". The natives repeated after him ... "tree". Just as they were moving along the way... one of the natives saw a native woman and a man having sex.
He pointed out to that man and asked the British man what they were doing. Hearing this .. the british man became ashamed, he didnt know what to say. At last he thought of something ..... he told the native .... "he is playing cycle".
The native got furious when he heard that. He immediately took out his spears and kill that man. The British man was shocked and asked him why he killed him.
The native replied ,"thats my cycle!!"
|
|