Original Thread: Rugby jokes
	XTC One day a man goes to hell and is escorted through by Satan himself. Satan says, "I'll give you the choice of these three rooms. Room number one has a room full of demons with baseball bats. The man says he'd be pretty stupid to take that one. Satan says the second room is filled with flames and dragons. The man says he'd have to be an idiot to take that one. The man walks past the third room and sees a beautiful blonde giving a man a blow job. The man jumps up and down and says that this is the room for him. Satan walks into the room and says "ok Sally, you can go home now.' ===================================================================== A man was approached by a co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Woman love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys." So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he reaized he had to take a leak , so he told her he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john. "How did you get in here?" he asked "Shhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!" Edited by - XTC on 24 Feb 2003  06:35:39 XTC This guy's going on a business trip and while gone, he doesn't want his wife fucking every guy in town. So he goes down to the local sex toy shop and asks the clerk what he's got. "Well, sir, we got the dildos, strap-ons, vibrators, those are our most popular." "No, no! My wife has all that shit! I need something...I don't know...different." The clerk looks at the man and reaches under the counter and pulls out a wooden box covered in dust. "This, my friend, is the Voodoo Dick!" He pulls the cover off and there's a very ordinary looking dildo inside. "Big fucking deal!" says the man, "It looks like every other cock in the shop!" "But you haven't seen what it can do yet! Voodoo, dick the door!" and the voodoo dick rises up and shoots into the key hole of the door and starts fucking the shit out of it! And just before the door is about to explode, the clerk says, "Voodoo, back in your box!" The voodoo dick stops and cruises on back to its box. "How much!" yelled the man. "$700...cash!" The man agreed and took it home to his wife. "Now honey, all you have to do is say, voodoo, dick my pussy, and it'll fuck you all night long!" She rolls her eyes and walks away. So it's been a couple days and his wife is getting really horny. She's about to call up one of her boy friends and then she remembers...THE VOODOO DICK!!! "Voodoo dick my pussy!" she says and immediately, the cock starts fucking her with amazing speed! She's screaming and creaming all over the place. After 9 orgasms, she decides she's had enough. She tries pulling it out, but it keeps fucking her!!! So she decides to go down to the hospital to see if they can do anything. She puts on a dress and starts driving down the highway. "Ahhhhhh! Holy shit!" she's screaming, still creaming. She almost swerves off the road and a cop pulls her over. "License and registration please, and how much have you had to drink tonight?" says the cop. "No, sir, you see there's, ahhhhh! this voodoo dick stuck in my pussy!" The cop replies, "Yea, right! Voodoo dick my ass!" Edited by - XTC on 24 Feb 2003 06:38:08 XTC The daughter was talking to her mother about her upcoming divorce. Her mother asked, "Why would you want a divorce? You have the perfect husband, the perfect house..." The daughter interrupted, "Well, mom, let me put it this way, my asshole used to be like a dime, now it's like a half dollar." And the Mother said "So what, you're going to get a divorce over 45 cents?" ================================================================================= A young couple had just got married and were having their first honeymoon. They were in the middle of sex when the women demanded that she had a urge for food and for him to go get some across the street. "Ok, let me put on my clothes", said the man. "NO NOW!!!!" said the women. So the husband ran to the store naked, and got chips and coke. Just when he thought all was clear three old ladies walked into the store. His mouth dropped with embarrassment. The first old lady said "Oh look a vending machine". She popped a quarter in his mouth and pulled his dick and the chips fell. "Oh wow, I got chips!" The second lady popped a quarter in his mouth, pulled his dick and said "Oh look, I got a coke". The third lady popped a quarter in his mouth, pulled his dick and said "Oh look, hand lotion!". XTC There was this big football player in the bathroom taking a piss, when in walks this little short guy who stands beside him to piss. The big guy couldn't help but notice the enormous size of the little guy's penis. He said to the little guy, "I'm not gay or anything but how in the hell can a guy so little have a dick so big?" The little guy replied, "Well I'm going to let you in on a little secret, I am a leprechaun. I can grant you any wish you want, but there is a catch, you have to let me stick this up your ass." The big guy thought to himself, "Well I have played football and got knocked on my ass, surely I can take the pain of a dick up my ass." He said, "OK, my wish is for a million dollars." The leprechaun said, "bend over" and proceeded to have his way with the football player. When it was over, the big guy exclaimed, "I can't believe you got all that up in me." The little guy said, "I can't believe you thought I was a leprechaun!" XTC Late one night a woman was walking home when a man grabbed her and dragged her into the bushes. "Help me! Help me!" she screamed. "I'm being robbed!" "You ain't being robbed" her attacker interrupted. "You're being screwed!" The woman looked down at her attacker as he unzipped his jeans. "If you're screwing me with that," she fumed, "I am being robbed!" XTC Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the some loud noises coming from his parents' bedroom. He got out of bed and walked down the hall towards his parent¡¦s room. Before he made it to the end of the hall, the noises had ceased and the bathroom light had gone on. Little Johnny walked into the bathroom and saw his father removing a used condom. "Daddy, what are you doing?" asked little Johnny. His father looked around nervously wondering what he could tell his son. I, um, I'm just checking out the bathroom for mice." replied his father. Johnny looked at his father with a gaze of confusion and said, "Well, what are you doing? Fucking them?" +---------------------------------------------------------------------------+ True knowledge of sound carries with it great power. It allows one to travel without moving. +---------------------------------------------------------------------------+ XTC Q: How can you tell when your girlfriend's horny? A: You stick your hands in her panties and it feels like you feeding a horse. Q: Why is a woman like a laxative? A: They both irritate the shit out of you! Q: What did the new mother say to Michael Jackson, when she met him on the beach? A: "Excuse me, but you're in my son." Q: What do you do when you see a one legged Iraqi soldier? A: Stop laughing and reload. +---------------------------------------------------------------------------+ True knowledge of sound carries with it great power. It allows one to travel without moving. +---------------------------------------------------------------------------+ XTC An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly. "Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently." The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then asked: "Was that one or two words?" +---------------------------------------------------------------------------+ True knowledge of sound carries with it great power. It allows one to travel without moving. +---------------------------------------------------------------------------+ jennylee Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital Swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news & bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry." jennylee A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn. The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer told him he had buried them. The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?" The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know, how crooked politicians lie?" jennylee A couple was golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course when the wife teed up and hit it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. All right, let's go up there, apologize, and see how much this is going to cost." They walked up and knocked on the door. A voice said, "Come on in. They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people who broke my window?" "Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied. "No, actually, I want to thank you. I'm a genie who was trapped for a thousand years inside that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself." "Okay, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem -- it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie replied. "And what's your wish, genie?" the husband said. "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to make out with your wife." The husband looked at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and they were locked in the room for two hours. After having a good time, the genie looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?" "Thirty-five," she replied. "And he still believes in genies? That's amazing." jennylee HUSBAND AND WIFE Husband & Wife - Why divorce? In a divorce court a woman requested the judge: "Your honor, I want to divorce my husband." "But why ?" asked the judge. She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me." The judge asked, "How do you know ?" She replied, "My lord, not a single child resembles him." Husband & Wife - Love Your Enemy From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month after I die I want you to marry Samy." "Samy! But he is your enemy !" "Yes, I know that ! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now." Husband & Wife - Wedding Ring At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? " The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man." Husband & Wife - Why? " Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms. " Why, Dad ? Tell me why!" Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, "Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax." Husband & Wife - Same Service A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking." "Why complain?" said the counselor. "You're still getting the same service!" Husband & Wife - Talk About Husband One woman told another : "My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him?" Husband & Wife - Love To Do A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?" "I would love to." Replied the husband. "But I don't know her well enough." Husband & Wife - No Answer Back A man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares answer her." One of his friends asked."And when you are angry, what do you do?" The man replied, "I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer back. Husband & Wife - Come Home Late A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him. "Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out: "Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him. "Cured him !" asked the woman, "but how?" The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill." Husband & Wife - Problem Father "You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?" He replied, "I'm going to be a father." "But that's wonderful," I said. "What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet. XTC A man is driving his car when he's trapped in a traffic jam. Suddenly, someone is knocking at his window. He lowers the window and asks: "What's up?" "Terrorists have kidnapped President Bush! They're demanding 10 million dollars, otherwise they will soak him with gasoline and set him on fire!" "Holy crap!" responds the man in the car. "Yeah, I know!" the other man responds. "We're going from car to car, collecting for him." "How much are people donating, on average?" "Oh... about five gallons." +---------------------------------------------------------------------------+ True knowledge of sound carries with it great power. It allows one to travel without moving. +---------------------------------------------------------------------------+ XTC A doctor vacationing in France met an old lawyer friend from university days and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?" The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, a river overflowed and here I am with the insurance proceeds." The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee", he finally said, "how did you start a flood?" +---------------------------------------------------------------------------+ True knowledge of sound carries with it great power. It allows one to travel without moving. +---------------------------------------------------------------------------+ XTC A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awaking around eight p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling", replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?!" +---------------------------------------------------------------------------+ True knowledge of sound carries with it great power. It allows one to travel without moving. +---------------------------------------------------------------------------+ jennylee The Proxy Father The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, ''I'm off. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ''Good morning, madam. You don't know me but I've come to....'' ''Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,'' Mrs. Smith cut in. ''Really ?'' the photographer asked. ''Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies.'' ''That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?'' asked Mrs. Smith, blushing. ''Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.'' ''Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me.'' ''Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'' ''I hope we can get this over with quickly,'' gasped Mrs. Smith. ''Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.'' ''Don't I know!'' Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ''This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.'' ''Oh my god!!'', Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. ''And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'' The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture. ''She was difficult ?'' asked Mrs. Smith. ''Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.'' ''Four and five deep?'' asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. ''Yes,'' the photographer said. ''And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.'' Mrs. Smith leaned forward. ''You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment ?'' ''That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.'' ''Tripod??'', Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now. ''Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!'' jennylee Who Wants To Be a Millionaire A husband and wife are watching ''Who Wants To Be a Millionaire,'' and the husband winks and says, ''Honey, let's go upstairs...'' The wife says no, so the husband asks again. Again she says no. So the husband says, ''Is that your final answer?'' The wife says yes. The husband says, ''Well, can I phone a friend?'' jennylee Osama bin Laden and one of his followers were riding on a camel when they stopped at a small town. Bin Laden gets off the camel and lifts up its tail and looks at the camel's butt, just then a guy comes over and says, "What are you doing?" Osama replies, "About 2 miles back I heard someone say, 'Hey, look at the two assholes on that camel.'" jennylee Read this " HATE Letter" , its so funny and creative . this is a love letter from a boy to a girl...... however, the girl's father does not like him and wants them to stop their relationship..... so the boy wrote this letter to the girl. " the great love that i have for u is gone, and i find my dislike for u grows everyday. when i see u, I do not even like ur face; the one thing that i want to do is to look at other girls. i never wanted to marry u. Our last conversation was very boring and has not made me look forward to seeing u again. You think only of yourself. if we were married. i know that i would find life was very difficult, and i would have no pleasure in living with u. i have a heart to give, but it is not something that i want to give to u. no one is more foolish and selfish than u, and u are not able to care for me and help me. I sincerely want u to understand that i speak the truth. You will do me a favor if u think this is the end. Do not try to answer this. Your letters are full of things that do not interest me.You have no true love for me. Good Bye ! believe me, i do not care for u. please do not think that I am still ur boyfriend." So bad! however before handling over the letter to the girl, the boy told the girl to " READ BETWEEN THE LINES" ( READ ONLY ALTERNATE LINES.) jennylee litttle Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the play ground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a "Passionate Embrace". Little Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.... "MOMMYMOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAY GROUND AND DADDY AND.." Mommy tells him to slow down. She wants to hear the story. So Little Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy.." At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts his story, describing the car going into the woods, the undressing, the laying down on the seat, and..... "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the army." ***Some times you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!!!! *** jennylee Simple Truths----- There's some truth in everything; Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with..... Love is grand; divorce is several hundred grand. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common....They should both be changed regularly -- and for the same reason. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will. He said, "Will!? What will? I'm making a list of the people I wanna bite." XTC An older Jewish man married a younger woman. After several months, the young woman complained that she had never climaxed during sex and by birthright, all Jewish women are entitled to at least one climax during sex. So they went to see the rabbi. The rabbi tells them to get a young, strong, virile young man to wave a towel over them while they are having sex. This, the rabbi says, will cause the woman to climax, so the couple tries it. After several attempts, still no climax. They go back to the rabbi. The rabbi says for the bride to change partners and have the virile young man have sex with her and have the husband wave the towel. They try it that night and the young woman goes into wild, screaming earsplitting climaxes, one after the other. When it is over, the husband smugly looks down at the young man and says, "You see, schmuck, THAT's how you wave a towel!" +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ True knowledge of sound carries with it great power. It allows one to travel without moving. +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ XTC A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor,then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house, I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90; the Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare." +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ True knowledge of sound carries with it great power. It allows one to travel without moving. +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ XTC An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes, he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" pointing to the man on his right. The first man replied: "A thought. It pops into your head. There's no forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of." "That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir," he asked the second man. "Hmm... let me see... A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular clich?for speed." He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of." The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said. Turning to the fourth man, he posed the question. "After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea" he said. "WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh I can explain." he said. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink or turn on the light, I shit my pants!" +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ True knowledge of sound carries with it great power. It allows one to travel without moving. +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ XTC Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat. It so happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John. She said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible." Joe, thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, "Heck no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle." The old lady fainted. +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ True knowledge of sound carries with it great power. It allows one to travel without moving. +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ XTC A bright, young auditor just joined the IRS, excited to begin tracking down high-powered offenders - just as the Enron or WorldCom guys. Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit dismayed when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi. Looking over the books and taxes were pretty straight forward, and the Rabbi clearly very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi. "Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles." "Yes," answered the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked. "A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor. "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?" "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to themanufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls." "Oh," replied the auditor, now thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?" "Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the I.R.S." "The I.R.S.?," questioned the auditor in disbelief. "Yes," replied the Rabbi, "the I.R.S. And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you." +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ True knowledge of sound carries with it great power. It allows one to travel without moving. +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ XTC This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill that tooth." The woman then says "Ooooohhhh, I'd rather have a baby!" To which the dentist replies "Well, make up your mind. I'll have to adjust the chair." +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ True knowledge of sound carries with it great power. It allows one to travel without moving. +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ XTC A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. He observed, "You all have obsessions." To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny. He turned to the third mom, " Your obsession is alcohol. It manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, we're going home." +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ True knowledge of sound carries with it great power. It allows one to travel without moving. +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ XTC An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament. Dear Bubba: I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Dad A few days later, he received a letter from his son. Dear Dad: For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES. Love, Bubba At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up. They dug up the entire garden area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day, the old man received another letter from his son. Dear Dad: Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Bubba +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ True knowledge of sound carries with it great power. It allows one to travel without moving. +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ XTC God is sitting in heaven when a scientist prays to Him. "God, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing - in other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning." "Oh, is that so? Tell Me..." replies God. "Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breath life into it, thus creating man." "Well, that's very interesting...show Me." So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man. "No, no, NO..." interrupts God, "Get your Own dirt!" +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ True knowledge of sound carries with it great power. It allows one to travel without moving. +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ XTC Rodney wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Rodney looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Rodney asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door." Confused, Rodney asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that! Mom & I dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, 'Lady leave me alone, I'm married'!" +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ True knowledge of sound carries with it great power. It allows one to travel without moving. +-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ noelhuang The other day I went to the local religious bookstore, where I saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed! I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought at the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, "Go Jesus Christ, Go!!!" Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window, and waved and smiled to all of those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a "sunny beach," and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. Several cars behind, a very nice man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like "Mother trucker" or "Mother's from there." Maybe he was from Florida, too. He must really love the Lord. A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and began walking toward me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed to yellow, so I stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there, leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile, and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away. If you cant play a games ,change the rulez! kool_loving_babe Dinner with the Girlfriend's Parents A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist." kool_loving_babe Dinner with the Girlfriend's Parents A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist." kool_loving_babe Man Who Loved Baked Beans Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party. kool_loving_babe 50 Fun Things to Do at Wal-Mart 1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations. 2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store. 3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten-minute intervals throughout the day. 4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join. 5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners. 6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift-wrap. 7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters. 8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit. 9. When there are people behind you, walk really slowly, especially in thin aisles. 10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a code 3 in housewares," and see what happens. 11. Turn all the radios to polka stations; then turn them off and turn the volume up to full blast. 12. Play with the automatic doors. 13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi. I haven't seen you in so long." etc. See if they play along. 14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who buys this crap anyway?!" 15. Repeat #14 in the jewelry department. 16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you are taking it for a test drive. 17. Follow people through the aisles, staying about 5 feet behind them. Do this until they leave the store. 18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field. 19. As the cashier runs your purchase over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow, magic!" 20. Take off your shoes and tell them you want to return it and when they say you didn't buy it there say "Hmmmm....I thought the customer was always right!" 21. Move "Caution : Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas. 22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you will only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath. 23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch from other aisles. 24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon. 25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "I'm Batman. Come Robin, to the Batcave." 26. TP as much of the store as possible. 27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles. 28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down. 29. When someone asks you if you need help, begin to cry and say, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?" 30. When 2 or 3 people are walking ahead of you, run between them yelling "Red Rover." 31. Make up nonsense products and ask employees if there are any in stock. (i.e.: Shnerples) 32. Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full-scale battle with G.I. Joe vs. X-men. 33. Take bets on the battle from above. 34. Test the brushes and combs in cosmetics. 35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible. 36. Hold indoor shopping cart races. 37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission Impossible. 38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags. 39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags. 40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies." 41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store. 42. Two words: Marco Polo. 43. Leave Cheerios in lawn and garden, pillows in the pet section, etc. 44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's. 45. In the auto department, practice your Madonna look with various funnels. 46. When someone steps away from his or her cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word. 47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out. 48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, drop to your knees and scream, "No, no, its those voices again." 49. Pay off layaways 50 cents at a time. 50. Drag a lounge chair over to the magazines and relax. Go to the food court, buy a drink, and explain that you don't get out much and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it. *BONUS* 1. Attempt to do all of the above in the same visit, without getting kicked out. 2. Try to hold up customers with the toy guns. See how much you can make. kool_loving_babe Would You Kill My Wife A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?" "This is the maid.", answered the woman. "We don't have a maid!" "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house." "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" "Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband." The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" "What do I have to do?" "I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with." The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?" "Throw them in the swimming pool!" "What?! There's no pool here?" Long pause. "Uh.. is this 832-4821?" kool_loving_babe Would You Kill My Wife A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?" "This is the maid.", answered the woman. "We don't have a maid!" "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house." "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" "Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband." The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" "What do I have to do?" "I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with." The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?" "Throw them in the swimming pool!" "What?! There's no pool here?" Long pause. "Uh.. is this 832-4821?" kool_loving_babe 20 Responses to Telemarketers 1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. 2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . " 3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary. 4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?" 5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from. 6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up. 7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?" 8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?" 9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger. 10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees. 11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up. 12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up. 13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times. 14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. 15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer. 16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number. 17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes." 18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?" 19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . . 20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down. NOTICE: The above have all been tested and approved for use on telemarketers. No animals were harmed in the testing kool_loving_babe 20 Responses to Telemarketers 1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. 2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . " 3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary. 4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?" 5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from. 6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up. 7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?" 8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?" 9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger. 10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees. 11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up. 12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up. 13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times. 14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. 15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer. 16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number. 17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes." 18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?" 19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . . 20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down. NOTICE: The above have all been tested and approved for use on telemarketers. No animals were harmed in the testing kool_loving_babe The New Priest A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door: 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10.We do not refer to the cross as the Big T! 11.When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me." 12.The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry". 13.The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God". and finally... 14.Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's kool_loving_babe What pissed me off? Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !" "Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely. "See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!" "Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender. "Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on. "When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?" "Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood." "Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!" "Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender. "Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head !" The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day." "Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!" kool_loving_babe Dr. Seuss' lost tongue twister Dr. Seuss' lost tongue twister See if you can do this: Read each line aloud This is this cat This is is cat This is how cat This is to cat This is keep cat This is a cat This is dumbass cat This is busy cat This is for cat This is forty cat This is seconds cat Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top Betcha you can't resist passing it on.