|
| mask |
*ENCOURAGEMENT*-Read the text and ull understand!!
Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room.
One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon
to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the
room's only window.
The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.
The men talked for hours on end.
They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs,
their involvement in the military service, where they had been on
vacation.
Every afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could sit up,
he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things
he could see outside the window.
The man in the other bed began to live for those one-hour periods
where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity
and color of the world outside.
The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake.
Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model
boats.
Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a
fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.
As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the
man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine
the picturesque scene.
One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing
by.
Although the other man couldn't hear the band - he could see it. In
his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with
descriptive words. Days and weeks passed.
One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths
only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had
died peacefully in his sleep. She was saddened and called the
hospital attendants to take the body away.
As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be
moved next to the window.
The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was
comfortable, she left him alone.
Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his
first look at the real world outside.
He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed.
It faced a blank wall. The man asked the nurse what could have
compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful
things outside this window.
The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the
wall.
She said, "Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you."
Epilogue:
"There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations"
"Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled"
"If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money can't buy"
"Today is a gift, that's why it is called the present."
"time heals all wounds" but how long? every second counts for everybody... |
| mask |
| WANT AN EYE TEST??
Quick EYE Test
This will blow your mind...!
Just do it - don't cheat!!!!!!!!!!!!
Try this its actually quite good.
But don't cheat!
Count the number of F's in the following text:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS
Managed it?
Scroll down only after you have counted them!
OK?
How many?
Three?
Wrong, there are six - no joke!
Read it again!
FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS
The reasoning is further down...
The brain cannot process the word "OF".
Incredible or what?
Anyone who counts all six F's on the first go is a genius
Three is normal.
"time heals all wounds" but how long? every second counts for everybody... |
| mask |
| THE BOYFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND TEST !!
GRAB A PIECE OF
PAPER AND A PEN
AND
NUMBER
IT 1 - 10!
HERE'S THE TEST!
1. Pick your favorite color out of the following:
A. Red
B. Orange
C. Yellow
D. Green
E. Blue
F. Purple
2. Pick your favorite animal out of the following:
A. Cat
B. Do! g
C. Fish
D. Snake
E. Parrot
F. Mouse
3. Pick your desired honeymoon spot:
A. Hawaii
B. New York
C. East Africa
D. Spain
E. Montana
4. Pick your favorite instrument:
A. Violin
B. Piano
C. Electric Guitar
D. Drums
5. Pick your favorite soft drink:
A. Dr. Pepper
B. Sprite
C. Coca Co! la,
D. Pepsi,
E. Mountain Dew.
6. Name A. Person Of The Opposite Sex...
7. Name A. Person Of The Same Sex...
8. The Time Now...
9. Your Age
10. You don't have to write it down,
but make a WISH
and then scroll down! now go down, and you will see the answers).!!
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HERE ARE THE ANSWERS-!
Question number ONE:
A. Red - Adventurous
B. Orange - Fun
C. Yellow - Sweet
D. Green - Wacky
E. Blue - Romantic
F. Purple - Mysterious
Question number TWO:
A. Cat - Feminine
B. Dog - Loving
C. Fish - Boring
D. Snake - Boyish
E. Parrot - Annoying
F. Mouse - Brainy
Question number THREE:
A. Hawaii - Romantic
B. New York - Busy
C. East Africa - Curious
D. Spain - Mysterious
E. Mon! tana - Country Girl/Boy
Question number FOUR:
A. Violin - Intellectual
B. Piano - Popular
C. Electric Guitar - Wacky
D. Drums - Wild
!
Question number FIVE:
A. Dr. Pepper - Popular
B. Sprite - Wacky
C. Coca Cola - Wild
D. Pepsi - Fun
E. Mountain Dew - Athletic
Question number SIX:
That person will have a crush on you after you send this!
Question number SEVEN:
That person will become your enemy if you don't send this!
Question number EIGHT:
How long you have to send this!
(Ex: 5:15 = hours 15 minutes)
Question number NINE:
How many peeps you have to send this to!
Question number TEN:
That will come true if you do question number 9 in the amount
of time (question) number 8 says!
"time heals all wounds" but how long? every second counts for everybody... |
| mask |
| *Sumthing to Lighten Ur Heart*
Mrs Abdalla comes to visit her son Samir for 3 days in London where
he is studying. She finds out that her son lives with Vikki, a girl
roomate.
Mrs Abdalla couldn't help but notice how pretty Samir's roommate
was. She suspects of a relationship between the two, and this had
only made her more curious.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Samir volunteered, "I know what you
must be thinking, but I assure you, Vikki and I are just
roommates."
About a week later, Vikki came to Samir saying,"Ever since your
mother left, I've been unable to find the silver sugarbowl. You
don't suppose she took it do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat
down and wrote:
Dear Mother,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house,
I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains
that it has been missing ever since you left back to Beirut.
Love,
Samir
Several days later, Samir received an email from his Mother which
read:
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Vikki, and I'm not saying
that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she
was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar
bowl by now.
Love,
Mom.
Lesson of the day...
Don't Lie to Your Mother...especially if she is Lebanese.
**********************************************************************
Little Johnny was 8 years old when his parents decided to have him circumcised.
After a few days of recovery Little Johnny went back to school.
After about an hour the pain was really starting to bother him so he asked if he could see the school nurse. He went to see her but was too embarrassed to tell her what the problem was.
She suggested that he call his Mom and see if she could come and get him.
The nurse waited in the other room while the call was made. After a few minutes Little Johnny came out and started walking back to class, but the nurse noticed that his peni* was hanging out of his pants.
She said "Johnny, what are you doing? You can't walk around like that"
He replied "Well I told my Mom how much I hurt and she said that if I could just stick it out till lunchtime she would come pick me up then"
**********************************************************************
"time heals all wounds" but how long? every second counts for everybody... |
| mask |
| *More Lighter sides to Life*
There was once a woman who was pregnet with triplets. 2 girls, 1 boy. She was walking out of the store one day and was shot 3 times in the stomach. She lived, but was worried about her babies. She went to the doctor, and asked him if everything would be alright. He said yes, but as they mature, they will pee out a bullet.
A few years later, one of the girls walks up to her and says, "Mom! Mom! Guess what!?! I just peed out a bullet!" The mom said, "I know, the doctor told me that would happen."
The next day, the other girl goes up to her mom. "Mom, guess what?" The mom goes, "You pissed out a bullet right? The doctor told me that would happen. You'll be alright."
Later that day, the boy goes up to the mom. "He goes, "Mom..." But before he could finish, she cut him off and said, "Let me guess, You just pissed out a bullet?" The little boy goes, "No. I was mastur**ting, and I shot the dog!!!"
**********************************************************************
A Woman has two tatoos of her favourite boxers inside her thighs and is astounded to discover they look nothing like them.she asks to see the manager,what seems to be the problem madam?asks the manager,laying down legs wide apart she asks do you think the one on the left looks like mike tyson,and do you think the one on the right looks like frank bruno?the manager replies,your right madam they look nothing like them but the one in the middle looks like don king.
**********************************************************************
There was a couple that didn't want to have a child so they decided to use a condom but while making love the condom got inside so the husband decided to take it out with a match box stick.
But unfortunately the stick broke inside and they were confused what to do.
The wife got pregnant and when the child was born the man asked the nurse, 'is everything all right???'
The nurse replied, 'this is the first case I have seen in my life where a child is born with a cap on his head and a stick in his hand.'
"time heals all wounds" but how long? every second counts for everybody... |
| mask |
| My Son?
A kid sat down by an old man on a bench in
the mall. The kid's hair was spiked and
each spike was blue, orange, red, green,
etc..
The old man sat staring at the kid and the
kid said: "Whats the matter old man? Didn't
you ever do domething wild when you were
young?"
Without a pause the old man said: "I got
drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was
wondering if you might be my son?"
**********************************************************************
*Pill Bill*
Grandpa and Grandma were visiting the kids overnight when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked the son about using one of the pills.
"I don't think you should take one," the son replied "they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10.00 a pill," answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one and I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break this $50.00 bill."
The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow. He said to Grandpa,
"I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."
"I know," said Grandpa, the extra hundred is from Grandma."
"time heals all wounds" but how long? every second counts for everybody... |
| mask |
| * MUST READ * BEST I HAD ON MY MAIL.....LMAO
To Whom it may concern,
I, the Peni$, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor. I work at great depths. I plunge head first into everything I do. I do not get weekends or public holidays off. I work in a damp environment. I don't get paid overtime. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. I work in high temperatures. My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
======================================================================
Dear Peni$,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight. You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.You will retire well before you are 65. You are unable to work double shifts. You sometimes leave your designated work before you have completed the assigned task. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely,
Management
"time heals all wounds" but how long? every second counts for everybody... |
| roger |
| BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple
GIRL : Darling, I wan! t to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??
BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??
BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??
SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his
mouth.
MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.
WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of
the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and
comes out of the mouth.
MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think,
Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
==============================================
1) Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".
2) Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon". Teacher : "Why?" Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".
3) Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".
4) Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"
5) My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.
6) Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?" Sam : "She's a woman".
7) Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've
failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's
performance repeated".
8) Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and
stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?" Student : "Brotherly love".
9) Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before
eating?" Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cooker".
10) Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated.
The others all died".
11) Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."
12) Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's
Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his
father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."
-------------------
Trance: D only legal stimulant |
| mask |
| LEARN FROM THIS!!
Dear All,
Hope U all like this. I certainly learnt something from this.
READ THIS. LET IT REALLY SINK IN.
THEN CHOOSE HOW YOU START YOUR DAY TOMORROW.
Mitchell is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in agood mood and always has something positive to say.When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!" He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Mitchell was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation. Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Mitchell and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?" Mitchell replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or ... you can choose to be in a bad mood. I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or...I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it.
Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or... I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life. "Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested. "Yes, it is," Mitchell said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live your life I reflected on what Mitchell said. Soon hereafter, I left the Tower Industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it. Several years later, I heard that Mitchell was involved in a serious accident falling some 60 feet from a communications tower. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Mitchell was released from the hospital with rods placed in his back. I saw Mitchell about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was,he replied. "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?" I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had gone through his mind as the accident took place "The first thing that went through my mind was the well-being of my soon to be born daughter, " Mitchell replied. "Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or ...I could choose to die. I chose to live." "Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked.
Mitchell continued, "...the paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read "he's a dead man. I knew I needed to take action." "What did you do?" I asked. "Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me," said Mitchell."She asked if I was allergic to anything. "Yes, I replied." The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply.I took a deep breath and yelled, "Gravity." Over their laughter, I told them, "I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead."
Mitchell lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also
because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully.
Attitude, after all, is everything.
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.
"Each day has enough trouble of its own." After all today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
> > > >
> > > > You have two choices now:
> > > > 1. Delete this.
> > > > 2. Forward it to the people you care about.
You know the choice I made.[8)]
|
| mask |
| DonKeYZ BelIEvE It Or nOt!!
> After digging to a depth of 100m last year,
> Russian scientists found traces of copper wiring
> dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion
> that their ancestors already had a telephone network
> one thousand years ago.
>
> So as not to be outdone, in the weeks that
> followed, American scientists dug 200m, and
> headlines in the US newspapers read:- "US
> scientists have found traces of 2000 year old
> optical fibers, and have concluded that their
> ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital
> telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians."
>
> One week later, the Indian press reported the
> following:- "After digging as deep as 500m, Indian
> scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have
> concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were
> already using mobile phones!!!
>
[8D]> Mera Bharat Mahaan!![8D]
|
| mask |
| #MoTHer CArE#
Mother had three daughters and, on their wedding night, she tells each
one to write back about their married life. To avoid possible
embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives,
the mother and daughters agree to use newspaper advertisements as a 'code'
to let the mother know how their love lives are going.
The first one gets married and the second day the letter arrives with a
single message, simply: 'Maxwell House Coffee'. The mother got the
newspaper and checked the Maxwell House advertisement, and it says,
'Satisfaction to the last drop...' So the mother is happy.
Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there was a message
that read: 'Rothman's Mattresses'. So the mother looks at the Rothman's
Mattresses ad, and it says, 'Full size, king size'. And the mother is
happy.
Then it comes to the third one's wedding. Mother is anxious. After four
weeks came the message: 'British Airways'. And the mother looks into the
British Airways ad, but this time she fainted. The ad reads:
'Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways.'
"time heals all wounds" but how long? every second counts for everybody... |
| mask |
| It WasN't mE!!
Two Punjabis were walking through the jungle when a lion jumped out.
One of them lifted a rock and threw it at the lion's head. The lion let out a roar and he said, "Come on, we'd better run."
The other Punjabi said, "I'm not running. I didn't throw it."
**********************************************************************
It WaS mE!!
Two Punjabis was walking down a road and one found a mirror, he picks it up, looks and says I recognise the face but dont know the name.
The other one grabs it and says, you frickin idiot...
Datz me!
|
| mask |
| wHACky CaLcUlAtIoN....Get A CalCulAtor If U are NoT gOOd aT mUltiPlication, SubTractin aNd ADdiTiOn of 4 DiGiTS-----
> Don't Try To jUmp lines...only u can b true to yaself!!
>ThiZ TEsT takes less than a minute.......
>
>
>
>
>Step 1: Get a Calculator.
>
>
>
> Step 2: Calculate this out as you read.
>
>
>
> Step 3: Read the bottom after you've worked through it!
> This is fun!
>
>
>
>
>HerE GoES when Ya ReADy....
>
>
> 1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have dinner out. (try for more than once but less than 10)
>
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> 2. Multiply this number by 2.
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> 3. Add 5.
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> 4. Multiply it by 50 this is where ur claculator comes in handy............
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> 5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1753.... If you haven't then add 1752..........
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> 6. Now subtract the four digit year (eg. 19XX) that you were born.
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> You should have a three digit number ..
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> The first digit of this was your First number the number of times you went to eat out each week.
>
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> The next two numbers are...
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> YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it IS!!!!!)
|
| mask |
| lucKY NuMbEr?
Just follow the instructions below:
DON'T scroll down too fast. Do it slowly and follow the instructions below exactly. Do the maths in your head as fast as you can. It may help to say the answers aloud quietly!
FOLLOW these instructions one at a time and as QUICKLY as you can!
> >
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> > What is:
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> > 2+2?
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> > 8+8?
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> >
> > 16+16?
> >
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> >
> >
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> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
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> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> Quick! Pick a number between 12 and 5.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Got it?
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Now scroll down...
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > The number you picked was 7, right?
*
**
***
****
*****
******
*******
******
*****
****
***
**
*
These addition questions of
2+2
4+4
8+8
16+16
makes your mind automatically thinks of algebra and taking one number and adding it to itself
since it says 12 and 5 INSTEAD of 5 to 12, ur brain spontaneously would or should subtract it since it is a higher number minus a lower number.
i got 7 too, but nevertheless, it is all statistical
|
| mask |
| riDE wId mEee!!
1. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I
got one... I got real snippy.
2. I heard you had herpes...and I feel terrible...I'd say "Get
well soon"...but I know it's incurable.
3. My tire was thumping....I thought it was flat....when I
looked at the tire....I found your cat... Sorry!
4. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends....
here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.
5. You've announced that you're gay, and won't that be a
laugh, when they find out you're one... of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
6. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day...
look at the bright side, she's a really good lay.
7. Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be...Don't
fret about your wife though... She's moving in with me.
8. Your computer is dead... and it was so alive... you
shouldn't have installed... Win'Xn.
9. You totalled your car... and can't remember why... maybe
it was... that case of Bud Dry
10. So you lost your job... It's one of those hardships in life...
Next time, work harder... and stay away from the boss's wife.
|
| mask |
| coOl oNe!! ChEcK tHiZ oUt!!
Two parents take their son on a vacation to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach, and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with breasts a lot bigger than yours!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play.
Minutes later, he runs back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with penises a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play.
Several minutes later, he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the more they talked, the dumber he got!"
"time heals all wounds" but how long? every second counts for everybody... |
| mask |
| Mirch MaSala!!!
News is coming in about India's worst ever air disaster.
150 bodies have been recovered so far after a two-seater aircraft crashed near Bihar. Bihar Police have now sealed off the graveyard where the plane came down.
**********************************************************************
FrIeNdShIp LastS 4eVEr!!
Two Indianmen are in a plane
one says to the other "if this plane goes upside down, will we fall out"?
the other replies "no, we'll still be friends"
**********************************************************************
frEsH FoOd:
There were two tramps walking down a Street talking about how hungry they were.
So one tramp says to the other watch and learn from a proffessional how I can get some food.
The tramp picks up old dog poo from the road and puts it on someones doorstep,then knocks on the door.
When someone comes out he asks them if he can take the dog poo 'cos he hasn't eaten for a couple of days.
The lady who opens the door feels really sorry for him and takes him inside and feeds him well,then gives him some money for later.
The other Tramp thinks my god that was easy its my turn now watch what I do,So he picks up a dry piece of dog poo and puts it on someones doorstep.
He knocks on the door and waits,a man opens the door and the tramp with his saddened face asks politely if he can have the dog poo on the mans doorstep.
The man says to him dont be stupid how can you eat that horrible old thing,and invites him in.
before entering the house the tramp looks back at his friend hiding in the bushes and winks at him with his thumb up.
The man takes the Tramp through the house and past the kitchen at that point the Tramp got slightly confused,
The man opened his back garden door and led the tramp to his Dog kennel,there lyed a massive heap of fresh dog poo,the man asks the tramp to help himself 'cos its all fresh.
the tramp looked at the guy and ran back the way he came faster then a bullet.
**********************************************************************
DiFfEreNceS!!
What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time."
A Southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****."
"time heals all wounds" but how long? every second counts for everybody... |
| mask |
| lOoSiN CoNtrOl!!
An older man had met a younger woman, but unfortunately he was unable
to last very long before he would orgasm during sex. A caring man, he was
concerned that he was disappointing his new lover, so he called his
doctor for advice. The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped
men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He
couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom,
but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was
too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck
over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he
was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and
started to relieve himself sexually. He closed his eyes and thought of
his lover.
As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the
bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy
or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What the hell are you doing?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes, because your truck
rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.
"time heals all wounds" but how long? every second counts for everybody... |
| mask |
| > > High time to learn from mistakes...In MAKING LOVE!!
> >
> > 1) NOT KISSING FIRST.
> > Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her
> > feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's
worth
> > by cutting out nonessentials. A proper assionate kiss is the ultimate
> > form
> > of foreplay.
> > 2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
> > Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's
> > difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to
> > extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.
> > 3) NOT SHAVING.
> > You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you
> > rake
> > repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her
head
> >
> > from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.
> > 4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
> > Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they
get
> > their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.
> > 5) BITING HER NIPPLES.
> > Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're
> > trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly
sensitive.
> >
> > They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking
your
> >
> > tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.
> > 6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
> > Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and
> > thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus
> > on
> > the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.
> > 7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.
> > A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and
> > West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which
> > you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown
> > Vagina. So start paying them some attention.
> > 8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.
> > Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled
> > fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask
> > her to take the damn things off.
> > 9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
> > Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.
> > 10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.
> > Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along
> > side of the clitoris.
> > 11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.
> > Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they
> > plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there,
> > keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.
> > 12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.
> > Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the
> > waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant
> > present, not a kid's toy.
> > 13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.
> > Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the
> > material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.
> > 14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
> > Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still
believe
> > that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there
> > than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay
> > in
> > principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get
carried
> > away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior
of
> >
> > her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if
she
> > likes it.
> > 15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.
> > You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in
> > the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.
> > 16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.
> > Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move
> > toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of
> > buttons.
> > 17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
> > A man in socks and underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks first.
> > 18) GOING TOO FAST.
> > When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can
do
> >
> > is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an
> > assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly,
> > with clean, straight, regular thrusts.
> > 19) GOING TOO HARD.
> > If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach,
> > the
> > pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few
> > seconds.
> > 20) COMING TOO SOON.
> > Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites
of
> > her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.
> > 21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.
> > It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the
> > mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb
vagina.
> >
> > At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to
hold
> >
> > her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.
> > 22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.
> > You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you
> > really don't know, don't ask.
> > 23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.
> > Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth
down
> >
> > there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on
her
> > clitoris.
> > 24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
> > Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it
> > will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's
about
> >
> > three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her
> > to
> > use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.
> > 25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
> > Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes
it.
> >
> > When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do
> > what's necessary.
> > 26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.
> > Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie
> > there. And don't grab her head.
> > 27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
> > In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them.
In
> >
> > real life, it just means more laundry to do.
> > 28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
> > Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does
all
> > the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite
> > so
> > much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.
> > 29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
> > This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow
> > directions.
> > If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being
> > drunk is an excuse.
> > 30) TAKING PICTURES.
> > When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words -
"to
> >
> > show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.
> > 31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
> > Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring
> > honey
> > on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all
> > handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.
> > 32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.
> > There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.
> > 33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.
> > If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a
> > Romanian
> > gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual
> > partner with snapped hamstrings.
> > 34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.
> > Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they
> > have
> > a prostate. Women don't.
> > 35) GIVING LOVE BITES.
> > It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the
> > neck,
> > if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and
> > jaunty scarves for weeks on end.
> > 36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS
> > Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big
> > turn-on.
> > 37) TALKING DIRTY.
> > It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line.
If
> >
> > she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.
> > 38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
> > You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and
> > she
> > might even do the same for you.
> > 39) SQUASHING HER.
> > Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too
> > heavily, she will turn blue.
> > 40) THANKING HER.
> > Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup
> > kitchen. |
| mask |
| BET UR ASS OUT!!
SOME WHAT SIMILAR BUT WORTH READING BOTH THE JOKES TO MAKE IT A DAY!!
This guy goes up to the barman of a pub and says to him:
"Would you like to make a bet with me?"
"What kind of bet" Says the barman
"See that glass right at the end of your bar, well I bet you 100 that I can piss in it from this end of the bar and not spill a drop"
The barman laughs and says "you got yourself a bet, theres noway you can piss in it from here".
So the man gets up onto the bar, gets his dick out and aims for the glass right at the end and begins...
He totally misses, he pisses all over the floor, over the bar, over customers, and even over the barman himself.
The barman has a huge grin on his face and is laughing, as the man gets down from the bar and pays him his 100.
"Why did you make such a pointless bet" Says the barman as he counts his easy money.
"See those five guys in the corner" Says the man
"Yes" Says the barman
"Well I bet each one of them 100 that I could piss on your bar, your customers, your floor and even YOU and you would still have a smile on your face..." !!
**********************************************************************
An old and very rich woman, 55 in age, walks into the national bank of canada.
she asks to go to the manger, and there she asks him to deposit 100,000$ from her account.
the manager asks her "how come you have so much money?!"
she says "ill show you one of my tricks...".
she says "i bet you 25,000$ that you have square testicals".
the manager says "what???? well, ok then, easy money for me!!".
"ill come in tomorrow to make the bet" said the woman.
the next day, she comes into the managers office with a lawyer by her side. the manger asks her "why the lawyer??" "youll see" she said.
she asked him to undress, and he did so. at this time the lawyer was looking nervouse and sweaty.
the woman asked the manager "can i come and feel the testacles to make sure they arent square?" "sure" said the manager.
after doing so, the manager said "tough luck... you lose, 25,000$ into my bank account... why did you make such an impossible bet anyway??"
"well, you see, i bet this lawyer here 100,000$ that i will be holding the head manager of the national bank of canadas testicals in my hand this morning........"
"time heals all wounds" but how long? every second counts for everybody... |
| tangra_local |
>>THE PARABLE OF THE STONES
>>by Max Lucado
>>
>>A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than
>>rubies.
>>-- Proverbs 3 1:10 (NW) --
>>
>>I MUST WARN you, reader; before you begin. These words are ancient
>>jewels mined from the quarry of my life. Read them only if you dare
>>treasure them. For it would be better to never know, than to know and
>>not obey.
>>
>>The hand which writes them is now old, wrinkled from the sun and labor.
>>But the mind which guides them is wise.
>>wise from years
>>wise from failures
>>wise from heartache.
>>I am Asmara, merchant of fine stones.
>>
>>I am a seller of stones. I travel from city to city. I buy jewels from
>>the diggers in one land and sell them to the buyers in another I have
>>weathered nights on stormy waters. I have walked days through desert
>>heat. I have dined with kings. I have drunk with paupers. My hands have
>>held the finest rubies and stroked the deepest furs. But I would trade
>>it all for the one jewel I never knew.
>>
>>It was not for lack of opportunity that I never held it. There was a
>>chance in Madrid when I was young. No, it was not for lack of
>>opportunity. It was for lack of wisdom. The jewel was in my hand, but I
>>exchanged it for an imitation. And now I fear my days will end without
>>my ever knowing the beauty of the precious stone.
>>
>>I have never known true love.
>>
>>I have known embraces. I have seen beauty. But I have never known love.
>>
>>If only I'd learned to recognize love as I have learned to recognize
>>stones.
>>
>>My father taught me about stones. He was a jewel cutter. He would seat
>>me at a table before a dozen emeralds. "One is true," he would tell me.
>>"The others are false. Find the true jewel."
>>
>>I would ponder-studying one after the other. Finally I would choose. I
>>was always wrong.
>>
>>"The secret, "he would say," is not on the surface of the stone; it is
>>inside the stone. A true jewel has a glow. Deep within the gem there is
>>a flame. The surface can always be polished to shine, but with time the
>>sparkle fades. However, the stone that shines from within will never
>>fade."
>>
>>With the years, my eyes learned to spot true stones. I am never fooled.
>>The stones I purchase are authentic. The gems I sell are true. I have
>>learned to see the light within.
>>
>>If only I'd learned the same about love.
>>
>>But I've been foolish, dear reader, and I've been fooled.
>>
>>I've spent my life in places I shouldn't have been, looking for someone
>>with sparkling eyes, beautiful hair, a dazzling smile, and fancy
>>clothes. I've searched for a woman with outer beauty, but no true
>>value. And now I am left with emptiness.
>>
>>Once I almost found her. Many years ago in Madrid, I met the daughter
>>of a farmer. Her ways were simple. Her love was pure. Her eyes were
>>honest. But her looks were plain. She would have loved me. She would
>>have held me through every season. Within her was a glow of devotion
>>the like of which I've never seen since.
>>
>>But I continued looking for someone whose beauty would outshine the
>>rest.
>>
>>How many times since have I longed for that farm girl's kind heart, her
>>sweet smile, her faithfulness? If only I'd known that true beauty is
>>found inside, not outside. If only I'd known, how many tears would I
>>have saved?
>>
>>I'd trade in a moment a thousand rare gems for the true heart of one
>>who would have loved me.
>>
>>Dear reader, heed my warning. Look closely at the stones before you
>>open your purse. True love glows from within and grows stronger with
>>the passage of time.
>>
>>Heed my caution. Look for the purest gem. Look deep within the heart to
>>find the greatest beauty of all. And when you find that gem, hold onto
>>her and never let her go.
>>
>>For in her you have been granted a treasure worth far more than rubies.
>>
>>Seek beauty and miss love.
>>But seek love and find both. |
| mask |
| U All must have read about it!! Worth a read though!!
A PIECE OF CAKE !!!!!
Sometimes we wonder, "What did I do to deserve this", or "Why did God
have to do this to me". Here is a wonderful explanation!
A daughter is telling her Mother how everything is going wrong, she's failing algebra, her boyfriend broke up with her and her best friend is moving away.
Meanwhile, her Mother is baking a cake and asks her daughter if she would like a snack, and the daughter says, "Absolutely Mom, I love your cake."
"Here, have some cooking oil," her Mother offers.
"Yuck" says her daughter.
"How about a couple raw eggs?"
"Gross, Mom!"
"Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?"
"Mom, those are all yucky!"
To which the mother replies: "Yes, all those things seem bad all by themselves. But when they are put together in the right way, they make a wonderfully delicious cake! God works the same way. Many times we wonder why He would let us go through such bad and difficult times. But God knows that when He puts these things all in His order, they always work for good! We just have to trust Him and, eventually, they will all make something wonderful! "
God is crazy about you. He sends you flowers every spring and a sunrise every morning. Whenever you want to talk, He'll listen. He can live anywhere in the universe, and He chose your heart.
If you like, send this on to the people you really care about. I did.
I hope your day is a "piece of cake!" |
| mask |
| Three Things for Daily Living:
3 things to govern:
Temper, Tongue and Conduct.
3 things to cultivate:
Courage, Affection and Gentleness.
3 things to commend:
Thrift, industry and Promptness.
3 things to despise:
Cruelty, arrogance and Ingratitude.
3 things to wish for:
Health, Friends and Contentment.
3 things to admire:
Dignity, Gracefulness and Intellect.
3 things to give:
Alms to needy, Comfort to the sick and Thanks to Almighty God. |
| mask |
| The Best Memory System (c)
Forget each Kindness dat u do, as soon as u have done it,
Forget the praise dat falls on u, the moment u've won it.
Forget the slander dat u hear B'fore u can repeat it,
Forget each slight, each spite, each sneer whenever u may meet it.
Remember every kindness done To U, what'er the measure.
Remember the praise by others won And pass it on wit pleasure.
Remember every Promise made and keep it to da letter.
Remember those who lend U aid, and B a grateful debtor.
Remember all the happiness dat comes ur way in living.
Forget each worry and distress; B hopeful and forgiving.
Remember good, remember truth, Remember heaven's 'bove ya.
And ya will find thru age and youth, True joy, and hearts to love U.
[:)][:)][:)][:)][:)][:D][:D][:D][:D][:D][;)][;)][;)][;)][;)]Kill the devil in Me[}:)][B)]... |
| mask |
| ~Things money can buy~
Some people might have read it before...but it is still important to know the fact!
A Bed, but not sleep;
Books, but not brains;
Food, but not appetite;
Finery, but not beauty;
A house, but not a home;
Medicine, but not health;
Luxuries, but not culture;
Amusement, but not happiness;
Companions, but not friends;
Flattery, but not respect;
Yes there are many things that money can buy,
But We should rather seek the thingsthat money cannot buy. |
| mask |
| more refelctions to get people moving:
I Know Something Good About You [8D]
Wouldn't this old world be better,
If the folks we meet would say:
I know something good about u,
And then treat us just that way!
Wouldn't it be fine and dandy,
If each hand-clasp warm and true,
Carried with it this assurance
I know something good about u!
Wouldn't things here be more pleasant
If the good that's in us all,
Were the only thing about us,
That folks bothered to recall!
Wouldn't life be lots more happy
If we'd praise the good we see!
For there's such a lot of goodness,
In the worst of u and me.
Wouldn't it be nice to practise,
This fine way of thinking too;
You know something good about me,
I know something good about u! [;)] |
| mask |
| Reflections: ~The DiFference~
I got up early one morning
And rushed right up into the day.
I had so much to accomplish
That I didn't have time to pray.
Problems fast tumbled about me,
And heavier came each task.
"Why doesn't God help me", I wondered.
HE answered : you didn't ask".
I wanted to see joy and beauty,
But the day toiled on me, gray and bleek.
I wondered why God didn't show me.
He said, "But u didn't seek"
I tried to come into God's presence;
I used all my keys at the lock.
God gently, lovingly chided,
"My child, you didn't knock."
I woke up gently this morning,
And paused before entering the day;
I had so much to accompliah,
That I had to take time to pray. |
| mask |
| Mr. Bill Gates had announced that Microsoft plans to release a
>windows version in Hindi. Here are some Windows related terms that
>are
>to be used in the Hindi version of ..........Khidkiyan'DoHazar (
>Windows 2000):
>
>
>1.Phaail = File
>2.Bachao = Save
>3.Aise Bachao = Save as
>4.Subko Bachao = Save All
>5.Mujhe Bachao = Help
>6.Dhoondo = Find
>7.Firse Dhoondo = Find Again
>8.Hilao = Move
>9.Dak = Mail
>10.Dakiya = Mailer
>11.Paas se dhekho = Zoom
>12.Door se dhekho = Zoom Out
>13.Kholo = Open
>14.Bandh Karo = Close
>15.Naya = New
>16.Purana/Khatara = Old
>17.Badli Karo = Replace
>18.Bhaago = Run
>19.Chaapo = Print
>20.Dekh Ke Chaapo = Print Preview
>21.Nakal Utaaro/Kaapi =Copy
>22.Kaato = Cut
>23.Chipkao = Paste
>24.Payshal Chipkao = Paste Special
>25.Goli Maaro = Delete
>26.Nazaara = View
>27.Hatyaar = Tools
>28.Hatyaar Khamba = Toolbar
>29.Khuli Chaadar = Spreadsheet
>30.Kalti Maaro = Exit
>31.Ped = Tree
>32.Thooso = Compress
>33.Chooha = m! ouse
>34.Tik Karo = Click
>35.Tik -Tik Karo = Double Click
>36.Idhar-se-Udhar - Forward
>37.khamba= Scrollbar
>
>==============================
>Additional Softwares
>==============================
>1. MICROSOFT WINDOWS 2000
>ATISUKSHMA MULAYAM (microsoft) KHIDKIYAAN (windows) AVRUTTI
>(version)OHAZAR (2000)"
>
>2. Double Click with the left mouse button Chuhe ke baye kaan
>ko zatpat do baar marodkar 'tadak-tadak'=(clik-click) kariye
>
>3. GPF(GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT):Sarvasaadharan Suraksha Mein Gadbad
>
>4. 'This program has performed an illegal operation - "Abort,Retry or
>Ignore" ?! "Is karyakram ne gairkanooni kaam kiya hai-zatak se bandkaro
>(abort),Koshish karte raho/Hum onge Kamyaab (retry), Goli Maro
>(Ignore)"
>
>5. MICROSOFT POWERPOINT - "AtiSukshma Mulayam ShaktiBindu"
>
>6. MICROSOFT WORD 6 - "AtiSukshma Mulayam Shabda Cheh"
>
>7. MICROSOFT ACCESS - "AtiSukshma Mulayam PRAVESH KI
>SAMMATI"
>
>8. FOXPRO - "Lombdigiri (Lomiree) mein Maahir"
>
>9. MICROSOFT VISUAL C++ - "AtiSukshma Mulayam Nazaaraa C
>adhik hi adhik"
>
>10. OFFICE 2000 - "Karyalaya 2000 mein"
>
>11. Internet Explorer - "Taaron ke Jaal ka Sanshodhak"
>
>12. Lotus Notes - " Kamal ke Ruppeye"
>
>13. ACCESS DENIED - " Ghusne ki Agya nahi "
>++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
|
|